This satire first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.
The United States is abuzz these days with all sorts of hot button political topics lighting up social media and talk radio. One question that seems to jump to the fore, however, has gotten the D.C. rumor mill churning like it hasn’t since the waning days of Richard Nixon’s presidency.
Who is Deep Covfefe?
What we know about the informant Deep Covfefe at this time is just a brief synopsis that can be drawn from the only publicly available information about him or her. Some have started to speculate that the leaks coming from the White House have been from Deep Covfefe. Through a painstaking process, The Political Garbage Chute has narrowed down the suspects to the following list.
She told Morning Joe and his bride to be/co-host before she was working for Trump that she couldn’t stand the man and had to take showers after she met with him. So could it be that Ms. Conway has just had enough of selling her soul to work for the president and has been leaking like a Russian lady of the night in the hopes that if enough of the craziness in the White House gets out, she’ll be able to get free of Trump before his impeachment. Or maybe even after; maybe she just wants out.
It’s almost inconceivable that Trump’s favorite soulless, dead-eyed sycophantic vampire stooge would turn on him. So let’s just skip this one. Besides, we’ve heard if you anger Miller he comes and visits you at night, and we’re all out of garlic, crosses, stakes, and hammers. You win this time, NosferMillertu! You just can’t possibly be Deep Covfefe.
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No! Not his beloved First Lady! We refuse to think Ivanka would do anything to undermine her daddy. We all know that’s not Ivanka’s bag. Her bag is going along with every selfish, self-serving, dangerous, ludicrous, racist, xenophobic idea he has, and then throw her hands up in the air when she’s called on her complicity and go, “What can ya do, fam?”
Donald Trump, Jr.
A man with Chronic Jizz Face might just be desperate enough to sell his own dad down the river. But a man with Chronic Jizz Face that also knows deep down he’ll never be as loved and respected by his daddy as his sister? Now you’re talking real motive. Deep Covfefe might not be Donald Trump, Jr., but can we really be too sure that his jizz face isn’t just a bad poker face?
Oh, you think that there’s no way that someone married to Trump would sell him out? Go watch Melania smack away Donny’s hand twice on his international trip last month and tell us again how she doesn’t secretly hate his guts. Word is she never wanted to be Second Lady, anyway. So why wouldn’t she try to blow up the whole thing by leaking how embarrassingly shitty everything is in the White House right now? Interesting covfefe, isn’t it, if not Deep Covfefe.
This wasn’t isn’t as much a stretch as you’d think. Something tells us that Trump would gladly resign if it didn’t mean looking like such a beta cuck male. It would explain his lashing out at everyone and everything. His ego is so yooge it won’t let him do what his black heart knows he should. A self-inflicted leak, blamed on someone else, would really help move him out of the White House, and he could just go right on blaming the Democrats’ witch hunt. So is Donald Trump Deep Covfefe, only time will tell. And sure, maybe that’s fake news, but that only means Trump will believe it.