Dear Delusional Dumbfuck Donny: You’re Only The Favorite President Of Morons, Racists, and Racist Morons

Oh…Donny…Oh dear, sweet, Delusional Dumbfuck Donny. On any normal day, your tweets are bombastic, full-throated primal screams of misplaced, unearned hubris and criminally shortsighted blustering that takes credit for shit you had literally nothing to do with. Like, say, the booming Obama recovery that your pilfering, tiny orange fingers hasn’t even gotten to touch yet.

But today, you doddering dipshit, your tweet really took the taco…or I guess taco BOWL in your case, you tangerine faced sack of shit. To whit, here’s the tweet I’m referring to, in all its, um, “glory.”

Donald J. Trump on Twitter

We should have a contest as to which of the Networks, plus CNN and not including Fox, is the most dishonest, corrupt and/or distorted in its political coverage of your favorite President (me). They are all bad. Winner to receive the FAKE NEWS TROPHY!

There is honestly so much stupid to unpack in that tweet I almost don’t know where to go. But let’s start with your utterly ridiculous and insane implication that Fox News doesn’t lie. Donny, if lying were an Olympic sport, you and Fox News would be mortal enemies because the two of you would always be in competition for the top spot on the dais. It doesn’t take a sleuth or even an amateur detective to go to your local Google purveyor and ask them to search you up a simple little phrase like “Verified lies on Fox News.” There are millions of hits.

But let’s just stick with the folks at PolitiFact, shall we? They have evaluated 169 statements or stories that were broadcast on Fox News. And they found the following:

  • The majority (60%) were rated as either Mostly False, False, or Pants on Fire. Most often Fox News gets the “False” rating
  • Only 22% of evaluated statements have been rated “True” or “Mostly True.”
  • 18% were rated as “Half True” which is another way for saying “Half Full of Fucking Shit”

So I think that should handle this “Fox News is more trustworthy than a bucket of piss” nonsense you want us to believe. And now, lets’ get down to, really, the most laughable element of your tweet. This part:

“…your favorite president.”

You are so delusional it makes your delusional base look firmly rooted in reality. Donald, you’re our favorite president like cancer is our favorite population control policy.

It’s funny — for years we heard conservatives carp about how arrogant Barack Obama was. We heard much the same bleating during the Bill Clinton years about his hubris. And while it’s true that any man who runs for and wins the presidency has to have a pretty outsized ego to even attempt such a thing, neither of those men, nor any other man to hold the office, has had the boastful bragging nature required to call themselves, even with their pussy grabbing tongues firmly planted in their cheeks, to call themselves the “favorite” president of anyone, even their base.

Why?

Because most men who have been president are smart enough to figure out they weren’t elected unanimously. Most are smart enough to realize how damn lucky they are to have just enough people like them more than their opponent to be given the job title President of the United States. And even if they aren’t smart enough to realize that means they have no rightful claim to being anyone’s favorite president, they are at least smart enough to know utterly fucking stupid it is to claim to be someone’s favorite when they’re a politician because of how many millions, in your case, Donny, that hate them equally as much.

But even despite the fact that no one has ever been elected with unanimity in this country, let’s get down to something less historical, and more contemporary — your job approval ratings. Now, I know that these days if we bring up opinion polls we get a ton of mouth-breather clapback about how “ARE THESE DUH SAME POLLZ WHAT PREEDICKTED KILLARY WOULD BE PRESIDENT BY 99%?!” So let’s just all acknowledge at the outset that opinion polls and predictive forecasting aren’t nearly the same thing, and that, ultimately, most polling companies nailed the margin of victory in the popular vote going to Hillary Clinton, and didn’t call the Electoral College results in the Rust Belt correctly.

That all being said, here’s your Gallup numbers from today, you dried up dickweed.

You have a 37% approval rating, Donny. That means if you line up ten Americans, about six of them will tell you what a shitty job you’re doing. You’ve settled right into where your base is, and you aren’t going any further. At this point, people in your own party hate you enough to openly mock you. Bob Corker called you a toddler, essentially. John McCain has routinely bashed you. And those are two of the most Republican-y Republicans to ever Republican.

It seems to me, the only ones who really love you are the anime avatar’d fuckwits who spout actual hate speech. The swastika-emblazoned slack-jaws, Don. The very same white supremacists and KKK members that endorsed you last year…That’s who loves you. Them, and the morons who think that “If it pisses the libtards off, it’s good for the country” is sound domestic, foreign, economic, and military policy. Congrats Donald, you’re every moron, racist, and racist moron’s favorite president.

Go tweet some more useless distractions, you tiny-fingered shit sausage.

Toodles,

Jambo

 

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About James Schlarmann 1453 Articles

Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.

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