Don-LOL-d Trump Now Leads the Republican Party? Wheeeeeeee!

Times I am most grateful to be pretentious and delusional enough to call myself a comedian:

  • When anyone farts
  • When I want to feel horrible about my life choices
  • When Donald Fucking Trump becomes the de facto leader of the Republican Party

The Party of Lincoln has officially become the Party of Stinkin’.

Holy Mary Mother of Dog. It happened. We get to one day tell our grandchildren that we were alive when the Republican Party slurped itself up into its own anus, reverse digested itself, and regurgitated a bewigged, orange, tantalizingly ignorant son of a bitch named Donald Fucking Trump. It’s really easy to let the fact that a D-Grade reality fame whore and multi-bankrupting businessman who was born on third and took credit for inventing the fucking game (“I invent the best national pastimes.”) freak you out. It’s even easier to listen to his proto-fascist rhetoric and panic, but in the end we may wind up all thanking Donald Trump, believe it or not.

There’s absolutely no way to predict the future, and it’s entirely possible Trump could win it all in November, presuming Ted Cruz dropping out is the harbinger of death for Reince Priebus’ ability to focus on anything else while putting his phallus into objects that it seems to be. It seems highly likely because as dumb as America is, we can’t be Trump Dumb, can we? Oh wait. Donald “Build a Wall” Trump is the presumed nominee of the Republican Party now. We’re through a really fucked-up looking glass right now.

Over the next few days, people are going to lose their minds. On the left, the calls for Bernie Sanders to drop out and avoid accidentally handing the Oval Office to Trump will reach a damn fever pitch. Republicans on the right will be freaking out if they believe — probably rightfully so — that the bewigged bastard will be the harbinger of death for their party. Me? I’m choosing to enjoy this shit show. For years now I’ve written about the civil war being waged in the GOP, and how the Tea Party and establishment camps would eventually human centipede themselves into oblivion if they weren’t careful, and well, it’s not often a comedian can predict the future, so I’m going to revel in it just a tiny bit.

The electoral map the Republicans faced anyway was not their friend, but with Trump’s toxic stupidity leading the charge, it could be a blood bath. Or not, truth to be told. Democrats won’t want to hear it, but independent voters might swing Trump’s way simply to piss off Democrats shoving Hillary down everyone’s throats. It would be a nightmare scenario for the country, and it’s not likely according to polling so far, but I’m not entirely certain how much independent voters get polled in surveys at this point in presidential elections.


I’m putting all that Trump-fueled anxiety aside for just a day or two though. I want to bask in the afterglow of the Republican Party’s clown car finally expelling the Christian Dominionist that no one other than strident Religious Right voters liked and being forced to eat the shit sandwich that is Donald Trump. For now, I’m not going to concern myself with what a Trump presidency looks like. I know this puts me in the minority perhaps on the left, but I genuinely don’t think all the fear mongering of Trump is warranted. We have checks and balances for a reason, and if they worked to stymie Obama, who for all intents and purposes actually governed from the center-right, they’d work to stymie Trump too.

Let’s just pop the popcorn and watch the Republican establishment cozy up to him. Let’s revel in the looks on their faces as they do the perfunctory dance and embrace the douchebag. Yes, it’s entirely possible that this Republican nightmare will morph into one of the national variety when Trump is sworn into office next January, but have a little faith in your fellow American. Or just take a mind-altering substance and enjoy the pretty colors, which is what I’m doing.

Quite frankly, the real cause to celebrate may not even be that Trump is poised to lead the GOP right into the dustbin of history. The celebration should probably center on the fact that Ted Cruz — the professional political troll — will only be in the Oval Office as an invited guest. We truly dodged a massive, theocratic bullet by his departure. Trump could be a terrible president, but Cruz is a terrible human being who espouses a view that his religious beliefs give him the divine power to lead and crush his enemies. Say what you will about Trump, but he really was never as dangerous to this country as Teddy Cruz is.

So pop the bubbly, America. Don-LOL-d Trump is the new de facto leader of the Republican Party. This should spell the end of a crazy era of Republican presidential politics, but then again, we elected Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, and George W. Bush before so…what the shit do I know?

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About James Schlarmann 1454 Articles

Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.

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