When It’s Don Vs. Mitch, You Root For Muzzles and Earplugs

There’s a fight brewing in the nation’s capital. A civil war between two men, or rather, a civil war between two doddering, rich douchebags. Donald Trump and Mitch McConnell are on a collision course. The pair’s relationship used to be buoyed by a shared loathing of a black Democrat, but now even that hate isn’t strong enough to keep their love alive.

Trump’s been taking to Twitter the last couple of days and blasting McConnell for not being able to get Obamacare repealed and Trumpcare to his desk to sign. Call me crazy, but I don’t see it ending well for Trump if he continues to goad the one guy in the Senate standing between Captain Piss Party and an oncoming impeachment train, especially when it’s pretty clear Robert Mueller’s investigation is starting to encircle people very close to the dumbfuck in chief and his scurrilous inner-circle. It all started when John McCain, Lisa Murkowski, and Susan Collins miraculously grew hearts and spines and voted against the late-night effort to ditch the Affordable Care Act, angering Trump to no end. In the wake of the failure, McConnell has said the votes don’t break the GOP’s way for repeal, and that Trump has “excessive expectations” that can’t be met.

That comment got the first rage tweet out of Trump, yesterday.

Donald J. Trump on Twitter

Senator Mitch McConnell said I had “excessive expectations,” but I don’t think so. After 7 years of hearing Repeal & Replace, why not done?

But you know Donny Dumbfuck. He can’t just have one whining tweet speak for him. He needs to kick that dead horse, or in this case wounded turtle, as hard as he can for as long as he can. He’s got to whip his base up because with horrific approval ratings like his, the only thing he’s got going for him is their rabid support, but the pool of people that make up his base is dwindling with each day. So not content to hit Mitch once, Trump went after him again on Twitter.

Donald J. Trump on Twitter

Can you believe that Mitch McConnell, who has screamed Repeal & Replace for 7 years, couldn’t get it done. Must Repeal & Replace ObamaCare!






For a reason known only to the Piss Haired Tyrant himself, Trump decided he wasn’t quite done with McConnell. I can’t even imagine Obama using his Twitter account to call out a sitting Senator by his first name with such disrespect, and I certainly can’t imagine him doing it three times in less than 48 hours. And Trump tweeted this demand that Mitch get back to work while on a SEVENTEEN FUCKING DAY GOLF EXCURSION.

Donald J. Trump on Twitter

Mitch, get back to work and put Repeal & Replace, Tax Reform & Cuts and a great Infrastructure Bill on my desk for signing. You can do it!

The best part about this spat is that neither man is a sympathetic figure. McConnell might get some feelings of empathy from the left if he wasn’t, you know, Mitch McConnell. Somehow I can’t muster that much sorrow for the guy who was more focused on making Blacky McDemocrat a one term president than he was on fixing our economy. I can’t feel bad for the guy was trying so hard to take away healthcare from millions of people that he held back tears on the Senate floor when he gave his speech after he lost that fight.

I can’t feel sympathy for Mitch McConnell after he stole a Supreme Court nomination from President Black Guy. The truth is that he stole that pick from every one of us who voted for Obama. And by the way, Obama won more votes in both his victories than Trump. Even in the Electoral College, Trump’s favorite thing in the world, Obama beat Trump. So Mitch really did fuck over far more Americans with that stunt than the number of Americans who approved.

Thus far the wet-eyed turtle hasn’t responded to Trump’s latest tweets, and I don’t expect him to. McConnell still pretends that he has concern for the traditions of our government. He often pays lip service to wanting to honor and keep those traditions. So he’s more old school. Mitch knows he’s got leverage over a president with an approval rating below 40%. Of course, Mitch’s own approval rating as a member of one of the most hated congressional bodies ever doesn’t give anyone much confidence that he’ll come out smelling like a rose, but ultimately Mitch has Trump in a hell of a bind.

So who do you root for in this cage match of senile oligarchs? Two muzzles. With padlocks.

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About James Schlarmann 1431 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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