CLEVELAND, OHIO — It has been a mostly down week for Donald J. Trump, despite being the center of attention at the 2016 Republican National Convention. One Trump aide said that while all the attention is “totally giving Donnie huge ego boners,” he still wanted to “make a big splash” to end the convention week. That big splash may have just come in the form of Trump announcing that former Congresswoman Michele Bachmann would be his administration’s Idiot Czar.
“We need someone who can speak the language of idiots to idiots,” one Trump staffer told us under condition of anonymity and a lifetime supply of Red Bull, “and so Ms. Bachmann is really a natural fit for that role.”
There were many other candidates that the Trump campaign considered, our source told us.
“Let’s face it — you can throw a rock in a room full of Republicans and hit any number of people who can speak idiot quite well,” the staffer said, “if you put Louie Gohmert, Rick Perry, Herman Cain, and Bachmann in a room together, you probably have enough derp power to get to the moon and back. Five times.”
Our source confirmed for us that Bachmann wasn’t Trump’s first choice. He had initially wanted to tap Sarah Palin for he role but two issues came up that seemed to put a damper on that idea right away.
“For starters, we knew when she wasn’t going to get the VP slot she’d be hella pissed,” our source said, “but also we knew she was planning on doing that court room TV show where she’s the judge. And we didn’t want to take her away from completely half of that job.”
Bachmann’s resolute commitment to conspiracy theories and pseudoscience also helped make the case for getting the Idiot Czar job, the Trump aide told us. He said that in particular Trump liked that she told a national audience in 2012 she knew firsthand that vaccines cause mental health issues. Despite the fact there is no credible link between vaccines and mental health disorders, our Trump staffer told us “Michele stuck to her guns and didn’t let reality stop her from talking,” and that is something that makes “Trump see himself in her.”