Donald Trump Kicks Orphan, Surges in GOP Polls

"The very definition of loser is someone who loses everything, like literally everything, including his parents."

CAMP HOBART, NEW HAMPSHIRE — Last Friday, Republican front runner Donald Trump did something that many thought would cost him the support of the Republican base. It has started to appear in recent days that Trump is somewhat impervious to negative press, but when he kicked an orphan boy at a Camp Hobart, New Hampshire campaign rally, many thought that would be the quick end to his 2016 hopes.

Instead, according to a new snap poll conducted by Polling You Hard and The Political Garbage Chute of only registered Republicans via landlines, cell phones and carrier pigeons, that move seems to have actually helped increase Trump’s lead by another 10 points. Respondents to the poll indicated by a 54% to 43% margin that they “respect Donald Trump more” after kicking the orphan boy than they did before.

Q: Now that Donald Trump has kicked an orphan, do you respect him more or less?

Respect Trump More Respect Trump Less
54% 43%

In an interview after the incident, reporters asked if Trump really had kicked the orphan, if it merely appeared to be the case. “Yeah I kicked that kid,” Trump told the media while adding that the “the very definition of loser is someone who loses everything, like literally everything, including his parents.” Trump re-iterated that in his mind the orphan was a “Loser. Literally a total loser.”

The poll conducted also asked about whether respondents agreed with Trump’s assessment that orphans are “total losers.”

Q: Do you agree that orphans are “total losers” as Donald Trump says they are?

Orphans Are Total Losers Orphans Are NOT Total Losers
56% 40%

“People want me to be president because they’re tired of being loser-assed losers,” Trump told the press while continuing to say, “I am Donald Fucking Trump, and I am incapable of losing — except for of course when it came to those four times I fucked a company into bankruptcy but anyway.” Trump said that in an ideal world, where he was president, there would be enough prisons, work houses and union work houses operational so that orphans would no longer need to “mooch off us total winners who know how to be born into wealth” and get them to “work for their existence like all Poors should be taught to do.” Trump asked rhetorically why “me and all my super-rich, super-wealthy, super-powerful friends should have to pay a few more pennies to keep the grubby young Poors in clean and safe environments when sweat shops also have four walls a roof over the kids’ heads.”


Another poll question asked respondents if they agree with Trump’s assertion that forcing children into child labor is preferable to paying taxes to run good, clean, orphanages.

Q: Do you agree with Donald Trump that child labor is better than raising taxes so orphans can live in safe, clean environments?

Fuck the poor and their gross, moocher children! Isn’t there a better way to devalue the Poors’ lives?
52% 44%

As Trump was wrapping up the impromptu press conference he told the assembled press that he “know[s] that everyone wants to think I’m just a flash in the pan, that I’m here to make Jeb! look more moderate and electable, maybe I can even distract people enough to ignore the fact that he’s basically saying if he’s elected he’s going back into Iraq, like his brother, but look at what’s happening in the polls and on Fox News.” Trump said he’s “the clear and obvious front runner” because “the Republican Party isn’t about the Republican Party anymore,” insisting instead that “the fate of the party is less important than Fox News’ ratings and advertising revenue and that’s why I’m being propped up by them.”

“Here’s the bottom line, for any total fuckin’ loser-assed losers listening,” Trump said. “I’m not an oultlier. I am the living embodiment of the Republican base voter. I’m rudely arrogant and proudly anti-intellectualism. Whether or not I’m just trolling Republicans by making it clear to the rest of the country what people who think like them are really like, or whether I’m genuinely the person I’m portraying myself to be is another question for another time. But clearly I am tapping into the ethos of the Republican voter, and I am laying bare for all to see what it looks like when you believe in a vision of America that probably didn’t exist, and that’s why they’re flocking to me. So God Bless America, sure, but most importantly — God Bless Donald Motherfuckin’ Trump!”

Comments

comments

About James Schlarmann 1453 Articles

Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.

Twitter Auto Publish Powered By : XYZScripts.com