Oregon Militia Squatter Gives Donald Trump His Purple Twinkie

DOVER, OREGON — During last year’s standoff between right-wing militia groups and federal authorities at a bird sanctuary, Oregon First Militia Private Corporal Master Chief Grant Ryan was awarded the Purple Twinkie. Given out to “only the bravest and most well-armed militiamen,” the Purple Twinkie is awarded when a militia member is harmed in the line of duty. In First Militia Private Ryan’s case, he was given the award when he stubbed his toe on the corner of the refrigerator as he was getting another beer.

This week, Ryan gave his Purple Twinkie to Donald Trump at a campaign rally.

“Wow, I’ll cherish this fake award even more than I’ll cherish that fake version of a real award I got from that solider guy the other day,” Trump said, referring to the copy of a wounded veteran’s Purple Heart he was given by the former soldier at another rally.

Mr. Trump was handed the Purple Twinkie by Private Corporal Master Chief Ryan at a rally site not far from where the standoff took place in Bend, Oregon. Trump thanked Ryan for his service as he took the award.

“And I mean that literally,” Trump said, “when I went through that burger drive through on the way up here, you were the one taking my order. And you were very quick and efficient. So thank you so much for your service…serving me a burger and fries.”

Corporal Master Chief Ryan told reporters later that it was hard parting with his Purple Twinkie, but that he was proud it was going to such a “brilliant military strategist” as Trump.

“I could totally see Trump in Bob’s backyard with us,” Ryan said, “doing the training exercises we run through. The only thing is that unless our mission took us into an orange grove, or literally int the sun, he’d have to wear so much camouflage makeup there might not be enough for us.”



Ryan also said that he comforted himself knowing he had all the other medals he won during Operation No Job, Nothing Better To Do, So Let’s Hold This Bird Sanctuary Hostage last year.

“I was given the Silver Shovel for picking up all the feces left behind,” Ryan said, “and I was given two Bronze Tallboys for my heroic beer run on night six of the standoff. I still got those at least. Besides, when Trump becomes president, he’s said he’ll make all us militiamen official members of the U.S. Armed Forces, so I’m sure I’ll get it back. He keeps every promise he makes to veterans, right? Right?”


More daily fake news on The Political Garbage Chute.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

Comments

comments

Advertisement

About James Schlarmann 1138 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
Twitter Auto Publish Powered By : XYZScripts.com