Special Snowflake Donald Trump Needs A Safe Space From The Popular Vote

Um, I’m starting to think our Conman-Elect is starting to crack up, and I’m not sure I don’t love the ever-loving shit out of watching it.

I don’t claim to be an expert in the political world. I’m just a comedian who found his niche punching up at the morons who think we’re all too stupid to see the game they’re playing. But I feel like I can say with pretty great certainty that Donald Trump is irked to no end by being the least-popularly elected president of all time. It sticks in his craw so much that he’s whined on Twitter about it more than once.

In fact, he whined on Twitter about it just this morning in a series of tweets, proving that the mainstream media he claims to hate is something he watches all the time.

It’s only natural that in the wake of an election that saw a candidate get more votes than nearly every other man who has won the presidency still lose it that we’d be discussing the further efficacy of the Electoral College. As a side note, I find it hilarious that conservatives are so apoplectic about us discussing ditching the Electoral College, because of the three presidential elections they’ve won since 2000, two-thirds have been thanks to the Infield Election Rule. More on that in another piece.

But clearly, as I’ve pointed out in a previous piece, President-Elect Fuckwit’s Popular Vote Loss Is His “Telltale Heart,” clearly it drives the orange egomaniac bonkers knowing his victory is deeply, deeply flawed. I know that we’re going to say this a lot over the next four years, but this man is truly incapable of acting presidential. It’s one thing to push back against a media narrative you don’t believe is fair, but it’s another to just outright lie (like about millions of “illegals” voting in California) to gain sympathy. But beyond the lying is the unavoidable whinging. The non-stop, baleful moan of a man who knows deep-down he really shouldn’t have been elected.

…and that whining is so delectable, isn’t it?

Because it proves beyond a shadow of a doubt how hypocritical and cynically political Republicans and conservatives are. They sold out their highly-touted conservative principles to install a billionaire huckster. Tell them that they won on a technicality and more Americans didn’t want their leadership, and they cry foul or lie about undocumented people voting. Tell them that you intend to be every bit as vocal about Trump’s blunders as they were about every perceived blunder or dumbass conspiracy theory involving Obama or Clinton, and you get called an un-American cuck libtard.

Tell them you have evidence that Russia — the country they all still treat as if we’re in the Cold War anyway — might have tried to help Trump win, and the shrug. Think about that for a minute, Trump and his minions would rather we just be quiet about that whole Russian influence thing than to simply conduct the same kind of investigation they did into Benghazi, the IRS targeting accusations, Fast and Furious, you name it. And it’s just fucking maddening beyond all control that they’re getting to do this because of a tragic and toxic cocktail of voter suppression, voter apathy, gerrymandering, and well, frankly, the Democratic National Committee’s stubborn refusal to lick their goddamned fingers and thrust them into the air during this year’s election, choosing instead to foist when they should’ve been listening, feeling, and changing direction.

So, we’re stuck, for now. We’re stuck with an inconsolable special little snowflake of a president. Clearly Trump is the one who, irony be damned, needs the safe space. Clearly Republicans who are too fragile to hear cogent, salient arguments for ending the Electoral College are just as much in need of their Fox News safe spaces. We keep getting told it’s some kind of fluke when people lose the popular vote but win the presidency anyway, except this bug has now reared its ugly head twice in the last twenty years. George W. Bush was a nightmare, but Donald Trump is a full bore abortion. It’s time to patch the fucking software, America, before this bug gets all our data corrupted; if we can even stop that now.



It should be noted, too, that in this instance Trump is demonstrably pulling shit out of his orange, flabby ass. If the election were based on popular vote count and not the Electoral College results, who knows how many more people would have turned out in California, and other states. Because that’s one thing conservatives and proponents of the Electoral College ignore and deflect from — it already has a suppressing effect on voters. If you live in a blue state and think red, you probably are inclined to not vote, and the reverse holds true for blues living in red states.

If the election were based on popular vote totals, I have no doubt that Trump would’ve lost in an even bigger landslide than he actually did. And as a gentle reminder: his margin of victory was 80,000 total votes, give or take. That’s it. He didn’t get swept into power; he bumblefuck back-doored his way in.

Some are in the camp that believes Trump’s whiny tweets are merely a cover for his agenda. I could totally buy that. I just don’t know that it matters, ultimately. Because it’ not like we should ignore his tweets; come January every single one will be historic, believe it or not. He has no sense of judiciousness. He has no sense of calm, no sense of real leadership. He’s brash, emotional toddler man, and the tweets he sends instead of working out the details of his administration are all the evidence we need that a) he won’t really be running the show anyway and b) he knows what a goddamned fraud he is.

I’m afraid, though, that I have some sad news for Trump and his Trumpolytes. We’re not going anywhere. The popular vote matters. And every single day he’s in office, I’m going to use his communication method of choice to remind him how very fucking unpopular he is. My only dream is to one day inspire a spittle and cocaine stained tweet rage out of the Whining Crybaby Snowflake In Chief. Because nothing feels better than flicking a dumb bully on the nose.

Flick, flick, President-Elect Fuckwit. Flick, flick.


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo

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About James Schlarmann 1430 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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