Donald Trump Unveils New Pointed, Hooded Trump Hats

"I'm just making sure that racists, xenophobes and bigots know they have a place they can feel safe to say their racist, xenophobic and bigoted thoughts." *satire*

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Feeling the sting from losing the Iowa caucus to Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX), billionaire mogul Donald Trump made a bold new marketing-based move for his campaign in the hours just after new broke of his defeat.

Trump has decided to release a new edition of the billionaire’s famous, simple baseball caps emblazoned with the phrase “Make America Great Again.”

Many on the Hill see the hats as a rather blatant homage to Ronald Reagan, and likely an attempt to play on the same sentiments that Reagan did in his 1980 campaign — that the U.S. is in great danger but its best days can lay ahead of it still, and they have become synonymous with his campaign. Over the weekend, the Trump Campaigned revealed a new, updated design for the Trump hats, and they will go on sale at the campaign’s website for a donation of at least $50 starting this week.

Featuring a pointed crown, which the Trump website says is built for both “aerodynamic and fashion purposes,” the new, all-white satin hats will also feature a specially-designed hood that allows the wearer to see, but also blocks most of their face. “If you’re wearing this new Trump hat in a snow storm,” Rod Rodgers of the Trump campaign told reporters, “you’re going to be really thankful for the hood.”

“I am really happy with how the new hats turned out,” Trump told reporters at a press conference Sunday morning, “they are really yooge improvements from the last design. This design sticks out more, you know? It pretty much says to the world, ‘Hey, loser, I’m supporting Donald Trump for presidentification,’ and it dares losers to tell you why they aren’t.” Trump called the new hats “brilliant, like everything that has the Trump name attached to it” and said he is “looking forward to a sea of white, pointed, hooded Trump hats” greeting him at his next rally. “It’ll be really quite special,” Trump said.


Mr. Trump also told reporters about a new visual prop he and his staff have begun using at campaign rallies held at night. “What we do is, we get a giant T, you know, for Trump,” the billionaire mogul told reporters, “but we make it a lower-case T because I’m showing how friggin’ humble I am — no one is more humble than I am because I am the fuggin’ best at being humble — and then we light that T on fire,” Trump said.

The reality-TV star also told reporters that the hooded Trump hats will “send the right message to the folks out there who are tired of the silent invasion of illegals.” Trump said that the hats will “hearken back to a time when patriotic Americans could decry dirty, raping immigrants proudly, without the liberal media jumping down their throats.” Mr. Trump, though, denied that he was playing into any kind of innate American racism or distrust of immigrants.

“I’m just making sure that racists, xenophobes and bigots know they have a place they can feel safe to say their racist, xenophobic and bigoted thoughts,” Trump said, “and if that means I’m pandering to them for votes, then I don’t know what to say, other than ‘Vote for Trump if you hate illegal immigrants,’ of course.”

“You simply have not lived until you have taken the stage on a dark night with a massive flaming T behind you, and you look out and see a throng of hooded sycophants chanting your name,” Trump told the press. “It’s really quite awe inspiring, and I hope that everyone understands and appreciates not just me, but what my campaign is and what it represents when they go to the ballot boxes next year. I’m the winner everyone wants to win, and I will win as long as you loser-ass losers remember that. God Bless Trump!”

This story was republished from The Political Garbage Chute.

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About James Schlarmann 1084 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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