I Feel Bad For the GOP Right Now. LOL, J/K.

The GOP is one big dumpster fire.

We all warned them, even those of us who were pretty disgusted by their social, economic, domestic, and foreign policy goals. We tried to get the Republican Party to see that they had made a fatal mistake by allowing themselves to get sucked so far to the right on every issue that they became a party of white, angry, bitter Evangelical Christian anarchists and sociopaths that they’d scare off normal people. And by normal people I mean every single American that they’ve spent the last 30 or so years calling un-American if they happened to not believe that this is a Christian, right-wing nation founded on only rock-ribbed conservative principles.

They didn’t listen to us though, and after losing the popular vote in five of the last six presidential elections, instead of realizing it was their ideas that were losing popularity, their base bought wholesale the canard that it was their candidates that cost them elections. They argued that the people the GOP has put up weren’t conservative enough to active that Silent Moral Majority that they insist exists. According to the die-hards, all it takes is the right super-arch conservative to awaken the slumbering giant that is America’s right-wing, and they’d cakewalk it into the White House.

Now, why the fuck the base decided that Donald Trump was that guy, I’ll never know. In fact, if they were looking for the über conservative, they missed the boat by not electing Joseph McCarthy’s doppelganger, Ted Cruz. But they cast their lot with Trump, and now the establishment is freaking out that this orange fascist in a shitty hair piece could wind-up not only losing the fifth of six popular vote contests, but that his loss will be the knockout punch that once and for all ends their party’s hopes of ever occupying the White House again.

…and I can’t find any fucks to give about their hysteria.

If I could sit down with all 50 of the top ranking Republican national security officials that just wrote a letter saying they can’t in good conscience vote for Trump, I’d probably start by laughing in their faces for a full twenty minutes apiece. I mean, I don’t respect their vision of national security anyway, but how can any single, solitary establishment Republican really be surprised about the Trump Debacle? They’re totally correct of course that Trump would be a dangerous guy to have nuclear codes, but well, they fed his supporters lie after lie, conspiracy theory after conspiracy theory, and made these people believe that simply thumping our chests, slapping our Bibles and our Constitution, and screaming “U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A” would be all we ever needed to remain the number one superpower in the country. What the fuck else did they expect to happen?



They made the roller coaster, in other words, and now they’re freaking out that they ran out of track and half their rails are bent to shit.

Then you have the fact that actual American Nazis are salivating over the “real opportunity” that Trump’s presidency would present them. For years and years Republicans have denied their racist base exists. Every time you’d bring it up, they’d pint a finger over a hundred years into the past and insist that since Democrats started the KKK, it’s impossible that any Republicans belonged to that, or any other super-racist organization.

But now, with David Duke and the American Nazi party endorsing their candidate, they can’t really deny the racists in their shadows, can they?

Maybe in their heads nominating a guy who literally said that Mexico is sending its drug dealers, rapists, and murderers into our country purposefully doesn’t have any racial undertones. Maybe they genuinely believe that nominating the guy who wants to ban all Muslims somehow doesn’t completely contradict their near sexual relationship with the Constitution they claim to have. But what both of those things mean is that they are still absolutely clueless about what our country looks and feels like, for the most part.

You can’t help but wind up with a melting pot if you spend 240 years not being fascist dicks who close up the borders to every non-white, non-Christian person in the world. You can’t help but make yourself a multicultural country when you boast that we’re the freest nation in the world with more opportunity to succeed than anywhere else. That kind of thing makes you a beacon for all kinds of huddled masses, yearning to breathe free, doesn’t it?

And the kicker? They didn’t used to be the xenophobe party. They didn’t used to even be the party that denied systemic racism. In fact, young Republicans during the Civil Rights era were the ones risking their lives helping poor black people win the right to vote. But somewhere along the way, Republican brass decided to blow a few dog whistles and appeal to the lowest common denominator. They succeeded in doing what LBJ said they could do in that often cited completely out of context quote about convincing white people everything they don’t like in their lives is because some person of color did something to them.

We tried to warn Republicans. If you tie yourself too closely to the powers of obstruction, to the forces of stubborn recalcitrance, you will continue to lose. Now, they’re on the precipice of that prophecy coming to fruition in such devastating, permanent terms that it could sweep their presidential aspirations into the dustbin of history for good.

Try not to cry too hard for the Republican Party; they’ve kept our infrastructure so outdated for so long your tears might wipe out a levy or two. And then they’d be forced to do nothing about that.


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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About James Schlarmann 1431 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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