The Dumbfuck Missile Crisis

Holy good God almighty above it’s true…life is cyclical. It has to be. We’re somehow now watching a replay of the Cuban Missile Crisis, only instead of two war mongers who at least somewhat dreaded their own species’ demise and being responsible for it…we have…

Two. Complete. Dumbfucks.

Donny Trump and Kim-Jong Un have a lot of things in common that neither one of them want broadcast. But, luckily for both of them, they each have a state-run propaganda channel so they’ll never have to worry about the wrong information getting out to the public. Donny even takes an extra step of maintaining the bubble of delusion around his decision making process that I am positive Un does too. President Piss Party has a folder full of “YAY TRUMP!” material delivered to him every day…TWICE a day.

Yes, two times. Two. As in the number of ice cream scoops Donny gets when you’re eating your one and only. Every day, twice a day, asshole has someone give him a folder full of tweets, news stories, and other blatherings that, essentially, amount to the verbal equivalent of, “Donald Trump Good!”

Let’s not go giving Un any passes either, though. Un has a lot in common with Trump. Born into wealth and power, and never had to work a day for anything in his life. He gets to talk a big game about military strikes and wars and shit, but has never served a day in combat in his life…much like his orange tinted companion on the other side of the globe. Un surrounds himself with the same kinds of sycophantic Yes Men and has a state-run media channel like Trump has now, too.

Basically, what I’m trying to get at is they both fucking suck, and it sucks even harder knowing that these two dicks are the ones who could drag us all into a nuclear winter.

It’s just infuriating watching Trump legitimize Un’s behavior by responding to it with his own childish, hyperbolic rhetoric. Fire and fury is a useless term, and it’s the exact kind of threat that Un would make against the U.S. By bringing himself down to Un’s level, Trump has demonstrated to everyone in the world what we already knew, and that’s, again, the fact that the two aren’t very different. Dumb as shit and too arrogant to admit it.




Trump and Un are blinded by their egos. Neither one have the ability to admit they don’t know something, let alone that they’ve ever been, or ever will be, wrong about anything. Why would they? Not having been held accountable for any decision or action you’ve taken your entire life will make anyone feel impervious to the consequences for what they do. Just because the rest of us will feel the consequences of their nuclear pissing contest, that doesn’t mean either man can or is even capable of feeling them.

It’s kind of beautiful, I guess in way, that that two fucks who have never known what responsibility is their entire lives could be responsible for ending ours. Clearly, the Goddess of Comedy is a sassy lass. Because the irony is too fantastic to ignore. A pair of power mad morons playing a dangerous game where there are truly no winners, and potentially millions of losers.

This is the real-life crisis that we were all worried about. The reality-TV drama of who’s getting hired and who’s getting fired is meaningless. Now, we get to see just how inept a person 62 million angry Republicans thought would be a better idea to lead the country than someone who had the (D) next to their name.

It’s been fun, Humanity.

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About James Schlarmann 1446 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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