Dear Dummy Donald and The Patriots: Shut the Fuck Up. Fewer Players Met Trump, Period.

Allow me to just address our “president” directly for a moment, yeah?

Hey Dumb Dick,

The New England Cheaters Patriots might be running a block for you, but no matter how you slice it, the simple fact remains: Fewer  players came to visit you at the White House than came to visit Obama. Period. End of discussion. No matter how many tweets that boil down to, “Well, actually…” from the Pats, the simple, unavoidable truth is that when it comes to the actual players on the team, not the support staff, there were fewer to come see your bloated, orange, tiny-handed ass than came to see Obama.

We all know that’s what the New York Times was referring to, by the way. None of us actually thought that they were referencing ancillary support staff when they noticed that the picture of you with the Patriots players looked rather small compared to the same kind of picture taken when Obama was in the White House.

NYT Sports on Twitter

Patriots’ turnout for President Obama in 2015 vs. Patriots’ turnout for President Trump today: https://t.co/OxMEOqZonI

No one, literally no one, was referring or cared about the full size of the Patriots’ delegation. The only people related to the Patriots that the general public cares about attending were the fucking players. The level of disingenuous bullshit that is constantly swirling around you must make your head spin. Again, to repeat — the story here was that roughly 16 of the 50 or so players on the team didn’t go and see your orange ass. NO ONE FUCKING CARES IF THE TEAM SECRETARY WAS THERE. I highly doubt the ball boy made a single tackle or scored one touchdown this year.

Now, onto the Patriots themselves —

Shut the fuck up.

If ever there was a team who had almost as little credibility as the president, it’s you guys. Yes, I get it. WOO HOOO! You guys have won a few championships in the last decade or so. You’ve also been caught cheating on multiple occasions. People who aren’t your rabid fan base don’t actually like you all that much. So you jumping to Trump’s defense? Laughable. Especially when you pull this bullshit.

New England Patriots on Twitter

Comparable photos: The last time the #Patriots won two Super Bowls in three years, 36 players visited the White House. Today, we had 34.

Firstly, no one gives a fuck that the last time you “won two Super Bowls in three years” what the numbers were. That’s literally just you making up a new frame of reference to spin this bullshit. Which again, the undeniable fact of which being that a substantially fewer number of your own fucking players declined to visit the orange twat waffle in chief. Period. Oh, and while we’re at it, I like that you conveniently compared Trump’s Patriot attendance to George W. Bush’s.

Secondly, all you proved was that football players seem to be less excited to visit old white Republicans than they are to visit young, black Democrats. Sad. For you.




We all know why you did that though. Because the Times correctly compared the number of players Obama got versus the number of players Trump got. You couldn’t win on the merits of that comparison so you, quite fittingly, moved the metaphorical goal posts didn’t you? What I don’t get is why you, as an NFL franchise, even decided you needed to weigh in. Oh, that’s right, Trump is your owner’s golfing buddy, and your coach is in love with him too.

But, still, no matter how much you equivocate and try to change the parameters of the discussion, the simple truth is that fewer players attended Trump’s ceremony than Obama’s. Hell, Trump couldn’t even rise to the number that Dubya did, could he? By your own idiotic and incongruous comparison, he still came up short! But of course, it doesn’t matter to you or idiot Trump lovers, does it? You’ll get your “gotcha” moment even though it’s really, truly, nothing of the sort.

It’s silly and stupid that Trump even bothered to respond, and that he very clearly coordinated with his pal Kraft to use the Pats’ social media channels to do the same. There’s a rapidly deteriorating situation in the Korean peninsula. There are still a lot of people out of work. Millions are feeling anxiety and stress because their president is doing his damndest to piss off everyone everywhere.

This is a nightmare we’re living through and Trump’s first priority is defending his honor this way?

The further we go long into this bullshit, the angrier I get at Trump voters. Not Jill Stein voters. Not Bernie Bros. Not fucking anyone else but TRUMP VOTERS. They’re they ones who pulled the lever for this douchebag, WANTING him to be president. You could argue that in swing states third parties could have helped Trump, but in reality it’s the people who willfully and gleefully put this amateur trust fund racist douchebag in office, and there were millions of them.

His being an amateur trust fund racist douchebag is precisely why a lot of the New England Patriots’ players didn’t want to meet him, and to borrow a phrase from Sean Spicer…

Period.


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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About James Schlarmann 1431 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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