Eric Tells Ivanka, ‘You Might Sleep With Dad, But You’re Not My Mom!’

*satire*


This ridiculously obvious satire was first published on The Political Garbage Chute.


WASHINGTON, D.C. — Word out of the president’s residence is that tempers are flaring and emotions are running high. Pressure is mounting within the White House to make several major course corrections by the 100th day of President Donald Trump’s tenure in the Oval Office. Today, aides leaked word that a row has sprung up between two of Trump’s children, and that it spilled over into a cabinet meeting.

Aides say that at roughly 11:15am on Monday, the door to the president’s cabinet meeting room burst open. Through it, Ivanka and Eric Trump came, yelling at each other and pointing fingers at one another.

“Diddums! Diddums,” Eric shouted at his father, the president, “Ivanka is telling me I have to brush my teeth and put on a new suit before the media gets here, Diddums! And I don’t want to, Daddy! Tell her I don’t have to Daddy!”


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Eric stamped his feet. He stood in place. He took a large, deep breath, and held it.

“Eric,” Trump tried to console his son, “what have we said about tantrums, son?”

The held breath was released. Eric Trump looked at his father, then back to his sister. He let out a quiet answer.

“Not during cabinet meetings,” Eric said, “only on the golf course or if a servant or pleb gets my food order incorrect, Diddums.”




Mr. Trump patted his son on the head.

“That’s right,” Trump said, “now, please, Eric, do as Ivanka says and go brush your teeth and put on a new suit.”

Just then, Eric caught a glimpse of Ivanka. She was standing smugly, and nodding her head up and down as their father backed her up. This sent Eric, aides say, into another tizzy.

“No! I won’t do it, Diddums,” Eric shouted, “I won’t do it!”

That’s when Ivanka tried to speak up.

“Eric, c’mon, you know Daddy needs you to look your sharpy-warpiest for the lugenpresse,” Ivanka started in before Eric absolutely screamed at her.

“I don’t care, IVANKUHHHHHH,” Eric yelled, “and you might sleep with Dad, but you’re not by mom!”

A chill filled the air. President Trump grew irate, sources say, and he asked to clear the room except for his two children. Both Ivanka and Eric knew what was coming next.


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“I gotta give you a spanking,” Trump said.

Chief of Staff Reince Priebus, hearing this, tried to intercede.

“Sir,” Priebus said, “I don’t think you can legally hit an adult child of yours, no matter how petulant, or how much everyone in the civilized world wants to open-hand smack them all. I don’t think Eric needs a spanking, maybe just a time out.”

Trump laughed.

“I said spank, not punish,” Trump said, “and besides, it’s not Eric that’s going to get the spanking.”

The White House declined to comment on this story.

 

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About James Schlarmann 1446 Articles
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