This clearly satirical news story first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.
NEW YORK, NEW YORK — When a man opened fire on Congressional Republicans as they practiced for the annual baseball game they play against Congressional Democrats, there were some who hoped the tragedy might bring the bitterly divided political landscape closer together. Last year’s presidential election was hotly contested, and after eight years of animus and tension between Republicans and Democrats in the Obama era, tensions only mounted as temporary President Donald Trump took office.
Many have speculated as to how America got to the point where elected officials are being shot at in broad daylight. While some have suggested that America’s gun culture might have played a part in helping a mentally unstable political dissident get his hands on a firearm, President Trump’s son was on Sean Hannity’s radio show this morning, and both men agreed that they’d figured out the real reason why American politics is such a tinderbox of inflamed passions that have no spilled blood on the baseball diamonds
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“First, I just wanted to thank you for coming down here, and I must say, your dick tastes remarkably like your dad’s! Kudos on that! Clearly, Eric, and I know you’ll agree with me,” Hannity said to both Eric and the listening audience, “this is all, every single bit of it, the fault of the inhuman, mentally-ill, vile, vicious, socialist-Communist-moocher-taker-fuckface-Satan loving-Democrats, right?”
Eric Trump agreed.
“Yes, most definitely these Democrats — who are definitely not human — are the ones to blame,” Trump said, “because it’s like Rush Limbaugh’s been telling us for years — Democrats are liberals, liberals hate America and want to take it down from within, and they will stop at nothing to ruin America.”
Hannity grinned from ear to ear.
“Hearing you talk like that gives me such a boner, Eric,” Hannity said, “and you’re so right! The unstable, crazy, Sharia loving left has been unhinged for decades. That’s why, of course, we know how important stockpiling firearms — THANK YOU JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY FOR THE SECOND AMENDMENT — for the coming civil war has always been so important to us. I know that’s why I’ve spent so many hours in my backyard shooting beer cans with my semi-automatic rifle.”
Once more, Eric agreed.
“Exactly right, Sean,” Trump said, “there’s just no depth these non-humans won’t sink to. It’s a total witch hunt against Daddy! It’s like they don’t have any gratefulness for his tireless crusade to find that black guy’s birth certificate, and now they’re just after him, totally without any basis to their claims! What a country, eh, comrade? Er, I mean, friend.”
By the end of the segment, both Trump and Hannity agreed on one the solution to all the hostility and tension in America.
“Obviously it’s just going to take us calling out the non-human, gross, vile, anti-freedom, anti-libtery, un-American nature of Democrats and libtards,” Hannity proclaimed, “and that’s just the way it goes. They’d get it, they’d understand it, if they weren’t just pieces of disgusting actual garbage.”
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