Explaining The Boston Globe’s satire to a right-wing, humorless dildo of a Facebook page owner

It will never cease to amaze me just how self-unaware self-righteous conservatives can be. I’m going to focus on just one of their hyperbolic, hyperventilating responses to the Boston Globe’s satirical front page they ran this weekend, the target of which was billionaire Donald J. Trump, but there were reactions like this one seen all over the conservative media bubble, so feel free to share this with any hand-wringing conservative you meet.

In case you missed it, the Boston-based newspaper published within its “Ideas” section a fake front page of their paper. Within it were satirical headlines and stories based on any rational human being could take as the conclusions to Trump’s proposals. This has absolutely outraged conservatives who have zero clue what satire is, how it works, and what its purpose is. Instead, they call it “yellow journalism” (which is a real term but misapplied so incredibly it makes my asshole itch, but we’ll get to that). But apparently for all they’re decrying liberal college students over “safe spaces,” conservatives and “libertarians” have a hard time with their ideas being mocked, and they need a safe space. They must’ve thought The Boston Globe was a safe space.

What put this story on my radar was a long-winded, pedantic Facebook post from the fools at Unbiased America. Make no mistake, these guys are unbiased like I never use cuss fucking words. But I saw this post from their head shit-bird administrator, and it was so pious, so self-righteous and yet so completely ignorant of what satire is, that as someone who devotes a pretty sizable chunk of his life to satire, I had to respond.


What “Unbiased” America’s Admin Said

I don’t want to misrepresent this guy’s words, so here’s a direct quote of his Facebook rant.

(K.R.) Just when you think you’ve seen everything… The Boston Globe tomorrow is publishing a fake edition of it’s Sunday newspaper front page which will “envision what America looks like with Trump in the White House.” Written by the Globe’s editorial board, it includes hypothetical articles that portray a nation in economic and social chaos one year after Tump becomes president.

Whatever political side you favor, and I certainly am not a Trump supporter, this type of journalism by one of America’s biggest and most influential newspapers is a travesty. It represents an unprecedented blurring of the line between legitimate news and editorial in an effort to slander a candidate in the most exploitive way possible. The media has proven once again that it will do anything whatsoever to push its agenda. (source)

First let’s just establish how incredibly wrong “K.R.” is, almost from the start. The Globe isn’t “publishing a fake edition.” They published a satirical front page in their opinion section. This is literally the most appropriate place for a satirical front page. Secondly, it’s not an “unprecedented blurring of the line between legitimate news and editorial.” It’s fucking satire. In the opinion pages. This of course didn’t stop several of Unbiased America’s most mouth-breathy denizens from using the terms “Yellow Journalism” or even “propaganda.” I hear that attack on my satirical work all the time. And always from people who don’t know what satire is, or who are livid that the target of my satirical work is one of their sacred cows.

Again, these people decry political correctness for policing tone, but they’re so upset that satire took aim at a guy on their side of the aisle that they characterize it as propaganda. This is why conservatives get rightly mocked for their humorless demeanor. This is literally misunderstanding something to the point that you mischaracterize it and then through sophistry “prove” your point.
Dumpbosglobeua
No, “Unbiased” America, they just printed a satirical front page. But don’t let reality stop ya from being stupid.
This also isn’t “the media”  trying to “push its agenda.” This line is used all the time by conservatives. I remember growing up in a conservative house and hearing Rush Limbaugh insist to my parents that the media is pushing its far-left, anti-American agenda on them. Because that makes sense right? Capitalist newspapers would be trying to fundamentally shift this country toward socialism or communism wherein they’d lose control of their own businesses right? Stupidity knows no bounds with these people.
The only biases the media has are to money. They want to sell papers or clicks, if you will. Again, this is clearly, to anyone with even two brain cells intact, a case of satire. Nothing more, nothing less. But right-wingers think that if you don’t attack everyone from all sides, you’re not really a comedian or satirist. This is of course utter horseshit, but not to people who believe in Trickle Down economics, it’s not.

 Why it’s not Yellow Journalism

You know what this isn’t an example of Yellow Journalism? Because it’s fucking satire, that’s why. Context and subtext and yes, even intent matter in this discussin. It’s not serious. It’s not trying to be serious. It’s not trying to pass the stories off as real. It’s not using real elements and creating a fictitious story line around them for the purposes of anything but illustrative laughter. Yes, laughter at someone’s expense, but laughter nonetheless.

Secondly, it’s not misleading journalism because they didn’t put the fake headlines on the front page of the actual paper and try to pass them off as legitimate. Of course, they wouldn’t since the stories are set in the future, but whatever, dopes like the sophists that run Unbiased America don’t think like that. They just think in terms of defending their ideological beliefs. Because you know, they’re “unbiased.” The fact is the Globe put the satire in the opinion pages and they even announced they were going to do so in other media outlets.

But don’t let intellectual honesty ruin your sophistry, “Un”Biased America.

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About James Schlarmann 1453 Articles

Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.

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