This blatantly satirical news item first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.
CRAWFORD, TEXAS — When Garret Fuller stuck his thumb out on Highway 317, he was looking for a ride home. His car had broken down and the Iraq War vet had left his cell phone back at his house. He was stranded, but he knew Texas hospitality would get him home, so he put his thumb out and prepared to hitchhike home. He said he “just knew some nice fellow Texan” would see him in need of help and stop to give him a ride, but when a Good Samaritan did stop to assist Fuller, he says he was shocked not only by who it was, but by what he expected at the end of the trip.
“Imagine my shock when a big ol’ Ford truck pulls up, and who’s sitting behind the wheel but none other than former President George W. Bush,” Fuller told The Political Garbage Chute. “He told me he’d just gotten back from speaking at a veteran charity event and saw my thumb out and decided to stop.” It was then that Fuller said Bush noticed his army jacket. “He asked me if I had ever served, and I told him, ‘Yes sir, in Iraq. That’s when his eyes lit up.”
Fuller says that Bush “got a twinkle in his eye” as he asked Fuller about his war experiences. “Then,” Fuller said, “after some time he got real quiet. And after another minute or two he says to me, ‘Fuller, I want to thank you right now.’ And I says to him, ‘For what sir, my service?’ And he says, ‘Absolutely. Without your sacrifice Dick might not have been able to buy that yacht he held my 60th birthday party on. Haliburton cleaned up in Iraq thanks to boys like you.'” Fuller says he was mildly insulted to be reduced to a profit center in the eyes of his former Commander-in-Chief, but he let it go because he just wanted to get home to call a tow truck for his car.
“Most of the ride was pleasant enough,” Fuller told us. “We listened to talk radio for about half the ride, and then Bush put on some old gospel music for the rest of it. When we got there, I got out of the car, thanked him for the ride, and was starting to head in when he rushes out of the car and runs right up next to me.” Fuller said he wasn’t sure what Bush wanted, but he could tell the former president wasn’t very happy.
“Gas don’t grow on trees, you know,” Fuller says Bush told him. “And you know, a former war monger’s gotta fill his gas tank too, not to mention eat and feed his war monger wife and war monger friends and war monger family.” Fuller says Bush stood there for a few seconds, his right hand outstretched, rubbing his thumb over his middle and index fingers in the universal “gimme gimme” sign.
Fuller says it took some time to register what Bush was saying because “you just don’t usually get asked for gas money in a situation like that.” Fuller says he told Bush to “wait on the porch” while he went into his sock drawer and retrieved $20 from a box of cash the former army ranger was saving to buy a new car with. “I handed him the twenty, and that bastard says to me, ‘That’s it, son? I lead you into a glorious, righteous, and — NO MATTER WHAT THE MEDIA OR ANYONE ELSE TELLS YOU — a justified war and even gave you a ride home after that and all you have for me is twenty measly bucks? I could’ve just asked Dick for a slice of his Iraq Cash Stash if I wanted a paltry twenty bucks.'”
“I charged a veterans charity a hundred grand to speak to them son. Cash rules everything around me. C.R.E.A.M. motherfucker! So if you think for two seconds I won’t ask you for some gas money when I had the audacity to charge people I signed up to die for shall we say, less than morally sound reasons, a hundred large just to hear words fall out of my dumb mouth, you are high right now,” Bush told Fuller. “I have no shame. I have no decency. Here we are nearly 15 years after I started that idiotic and disgusting war and I’m still trying to convince the public it wasn’t all bullshit. So wipe that puppy dog look off your face and give me some more gas money, punk,” Bush said as he jabbed his hand into Fuller’s back pocket, retrieved his wallet, and extracted another forty dollars from it.
“Thanks again, for your service and shit,” Bush told Fuller as he got into his truck and drove away, stopping just before he got in to lift his leg and rip an enormous fart out into the ether. He stopped, looked at Fuller deadpan and said with no irony in his voice whatsoever, “You did that. Not me. Obviously. Later, suckaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”