Maybe The Russian Golden Showers Stories Are Lies, But I’ll Never Stop Mocking Trump For Them

What goes around comes around.

Some call it “karma” and others call it “comeuppance.” Whatever you call it, the fact that President-Elect Donald Trump is apparently going to be sidled with a vicious and nasty rumor involving him, some professional Russian sex workers, and a healthy dose of urine is delicious to me. Yes, I just said that Donald Trump and Russian whore piss is delicious to me.

Why?

Because for years, literally years, that tall drink of rich, corrupt, vapid asshole trolled our first black president about being born in Kenya. For over half a decade, despite all the evidence to the contrary, Trump traded on the open Birther Market. He tweeted about having reliable sources that told him Obama’s birth certificate is fake. He’d do interviews in which he kept pushing the narrative. He taunted the president, and Obama always had the good sense to stay above the fray.

But Donny’s not Barry, and Donny’s more thin skinned than a condom on the tip of a shriveled orange dick as it enters a Russian prostitute’s vaginal opening. So even though it’s really, very likely that the bits in the Buzzfeed dossier that refer to Donald liking golden showers are false, I’m not going to stop mocking him over them. I’m not ever, ever, ever going to stop referencing the pee-pee parties.

You can call me a hypocrite if you want. After all, I freely admit I’m going to partake in reprinting vicious rumors, and that’s exactly what Trump did with the birther thing, right? Well, no.

Or as Genghis Con would say himself:

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For one thing, I’m admitting from the outset that I have no evidence to prove Donald Trump, our soon to be president, loves to have Russian prostitutes pee on him. He would claim to have evidence that Obama wasn’t born in Hawaii, but I’m not making any claims of having proof.

I’m even admitting right from the outset that the probability of this story being true is low. Trump, though, didn’t do any such thing with the birther bullshit. He kept treating it like truth. Even when all rational and sane people came to grips with the fact that Obama was indeed a U.S. citizen, Donny Dipshit was out there peddling his swill.

How can anyone really have any kind of sympathy for Trump?

He is the boy who cried racist rumor. If you ask me, Trump has pissed away all his high ground. In fact, he pissed it away before he even ran for president. Did he really think that spending five years chasing a windmill like birtherism wouldn’t have consequences down the line? What am I saying? Of course he did. He’s a rich, white man in America in 2017, he had half the population lining up to kiss his ass for that fact alone.

Ignoring bullies isn’t an effective way to get them to stop. The only thing that bullies usually respond to is hard enough force to jar them back into realizing they’re not entitled to act like assholes. Trump’s Twitter account is the stuff of nightmares, if you’re not a boorish, obnoxious prick. If you are, then well, Trump’s your guy. But if you’re going to dish it out, you damn sure better be willing to take it, and clearly Don isn’t ready to handle the crap he’s going to get as president.

Some of the harshest rhetoric about presidents has come from Republicans ever since Richard Nixon had to resign. It’s like knowing the dirtiest, shittiest president of all time was on their team has made them so bitter so had they demagogue Carter beyond all recognition, start and peddle all manor of idiotic, harebrained conspiracies about the Clintons, and well, we’ve already covered the rank and repugnant racist bullshit that they spewed about Obama.

The irony of the Republican Party telling us every Democratic president was un-American and then electing a guy with Russia’s help is almost too much for me to bear.

To me, the best part is that you don’t necessarily have to believe one part of the Russian story to believe or debunk another piece. I think it’s pretty fairly obvious to literally everyone who isn’t a Trump Zombie that Russia wanted him, and they did everything they could to get him. Whether they succeeded, whether they tampered with results (which I don’t believe they did or even wanted to do), it’s immaterial to whether or not Trump hires sex workers to pee on and around him, and the reverse is true. Even if the Russian peeing thing isn’t true, that doesn’t mean Russia wasn’t involved in hacking and influencing our election.

So one way or the other, the dossier is legitimate on some level. But me mocking the Russian pee party story is different than the birther stuff Trump was playing around with for one simple reason — I’m not pretending to believe it’s true. I’m not trying to convince other people it’s true. I’m simply mocking Trump for being such a moronic douchebag he put himself in such a position to have this kind of plausible rumor haunt him.




Trump deserves all the shit he gets. He’s a boorish, tactless bully. On MLK weekend he attacked one of MLK’s IRL friends. If that doesn’t make him a C-U-N-T, then get me the F-U-C-K off this rock ASAP, because FYI — that’s total BS.

Donald Trump commands the least respect of any man to occupy the White House, and keep in mind Nixon and two Bushes lived there in the last fifty years.


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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About James Schlarmann 1472 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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