LOL(?) Donald Fucking Trump Is The Republican Nominee

Dear Everyone Who Confidently Predicted Donald Trump Wouldn’t Be The Republican Nominee:

You should quit your job. Unless I said that, too.

Then, well, fuck me too, but don’t quit your job. But we should all know better than to ever predict anything with any certainty when talking about politics in the United States Of Ameri-DONALD FUCKING TRUMP IS THE REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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No, I mean, Donald J. Trump really is the goddamned fucking shit-ass-holy-piss Republican nominee. You are not on drugs, and this is really happening, Skippy.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/donald-trump-republican-nominee_us_578e7be4e4b04ca54ebf104f?section=

Of course, now that it’s happened, it makes actually being on drugs sound pretty enticing.

I mean, let’s just pretend that he hasn’t said horrid, fucked-up shit about immigrants, Muslims, Mexicans specifically in his anti-immigrant diatribes, women, and hadn’t openly mocked a disabled reporter so far this primary season. This guy is still Donald Fucking Trump, guys. The world pretty much smelled him for what he was back in the 80’s and rightly labeled him a pompous yuppie douchesaber then, and yet…oh and yet…here we are face to face now with the fact that the same party that was started by Lincoln has just sharted a Trump all over every single one of us.

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Someone is going to have to explain to me how we got here.

Mitt Romney made sense to me. He was a rich douche who genuinely thought that about half the country just feels straight-up entitled to shit. You know, a Classic Republican Guy™.  John McCain made sense. He was a war hero and if Romney was a modern day Reagan mold type, then McCain was out of an Eisenhower mold. They knew how to play the Republican Game. That’s where you front some pretty terribly anti-populist policies but couch it in rhetoric about bootstraps, and liberty, and guns so that certain voters will swallow it, but not so obviously as to gross out human voters.

Trump, though, shouts his crass views from the rooftops. He retweets blatantly racist crime statistics like they’re fact. He bellows right-wing conspiracy theories like gospel. He is the little man behind the curtain everyone thinks of as the Wizard of Republican Oz. If ever there was a naked-ass emperor, it’s Donald John Trump. By all rights the establishment should have crushed him and kept the charade going. Because Republican brass have always known the tap dance with white supremacy and religious dogma they were doing, and tried to protect general election turnout numbers.

Somewhere along the line though, they lost control of the message machine. People like Rush Limbaugh started carrying more sway than actual Republican lawmakers because, well, they’d helped Rush encourage average Republicans to become government-hating anti-federalists. How they didn’t expect that shit they were fomenting to blow up in their faces sooner or later is a great universal mystery.

Not being one to get out crystal balls, I’m not even sure this means the end of the GOP. Be honest with yourself and look at how many people are skipping Daffy Donald’s Roadside Shit Show and Douchery Circus. They’ll survive; both parties are political cockroaches capable of living through just about any electoral nuclear winter.

(Oh shit, guess I just predicted they’d survive, whoops.)

Of course, there is the unavoidable truth that Trump is such a monumental failure of a candidate that Hillary really is going to just clean his clock, and so far the polling holds that out, so, until I get the feeling that Donald really has a chance to win, I’m just going to get down on my knees and pray to the Comedy Goddess for blessing me with the diarrhetic font of comedic material that is Donald Trump’s Republican presidential nomination and let my mind go parallel for a few hours. It’s getting weird out there, and as the Good Doctor said, that’s when the weird turn pro.

Donald Trump just clumsily, stupidly, obnoxiously, divisively, Islamaphobically, jingoistically turned pro.

God Bless America.

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About James Schlarmann 1312 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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