I live in Mississippi. I live in the county, and it’s legal to fire guns in my front yard. In fact, early one morning a few months ago, my husband was sitting at his desk, doing some computer bullshit – he says coding – when he heard a shot so loud he hit the floor. Turns out somebody was doing a little deer hunting down in the cove. I’m not necessarily opposed to deer hunting, as long as I don’t have to see Bambi hanging from a tree next to the goddamn curb. There’s a limit to my Southern-ness, and that’s pretty much the line. Meat still comes from Kroger.
I’ve shot my share of guns, and I think we have a few around here somewhere, but they aren’t loaded. I don’t think we have any ammo, and frankly, I don’t even know where the hell they are. I imagine that’s Husband’s version of self-defense. He’s more scared of me than he is of intruders, and I can’t say as I blame him, what with the early menopause and just my general bitchy nature. I’m also a fucking damn good shot at the range, and I happen to know of several excellent locations for hiding bodies around here. My love of crime novels and Criminal Minds is well-known, too.
I digress, though. I’m comfortable with guns, but that doesn’t mean I really want any around, especially loaded. I’m a big fan of permits, background checks, lockboxes, and sane people with lots of gun education. I’ve had several classes, including an entire semester in college. Since I live in Mississippi, we no longer even have concealed carry permits, so any redneck douchefuck with a few bucks can get and carry one, and that scares the shit out of me.
Now this company in Texarkana has started custom designing these guns that look like kids’ toys. I mean, if they were cigarettes, there would be holy jihad declared by every fucking government agency on earth screaming “SAVE THE CHILDREN!” But no, these are guns, protected by the Constitution and the National Rifle Association and Moses Charlton Heston.
You can get yourself a Hello Kitty gun, neon colors, flags, your favorite sports team logos, camo, paisley, butterflies, or just about anything you can imagine. I guess this won’t be as big a problem for white girls like me, but let’s be honest. How many times do you hear about cops “accidentally” shooting white girls for carrying? I’m already having visions of more young black men running around and getting shot and cops crying out, “Well, I thought it might be one of them Hello Kitty guns!” Jesus Christ on a biscuit with jelly, this is almost as bad as those guns that fold up to look like smartphones. What the hell are these people thinking? Guns aren’t supposed to be “cute”. Guns are guns. They should look like fucking GUNS.
Do you really want someone to be confused about what you have in your hand? If I’m aiming that sumbitch at an intruder, I don’t want him to be wondering if it’s my kid’s Nerf toy. I want him to take one look at it, say HOLY MOTHERFUCK, turn around and RUN!
I mean, if he has a chance before I empty it, bless his heart.