Guys! We Should Stop Celebrating Osama Bin Laden’s Death! He Had Loved Ones!

We should stop celebrating Osama Bin Laden’s death, guys. He had loved ones, guys! LOVED ONES!

Don’t you understand? It doesn’t matter how many lives he negatively impacted. It doesn’t matter how he tried to wield his religion as a weapon and hurt and subjugate people who didn’t share his exact belief set! It doesn’t matter that he used his enormous power and influence to harm others! He had loved ones, and I’m sick and tired of every time he’s brought up people in this country celebrate his death, because people should have some respect for his loved ones!

And while I’m at it, Stalin too! Oh sure, he was a dick if ever there was one, and he caused great pain and strife. But he had loved ones! Stop speaking ill of the dead!

Back to Bin Laden.

There was a time when liberals rose above it all, but now they’re seen expressing happiness over Bin Laden’s death. How gross is that? He had loved ones, everyone! How many times do I have to scream “LOVED ONES!” from the top of the rafters for you to understand that that because this horrible, horrible human being happened to probably have people in his life, like all of us, that put up with his bullshit because he’s family, that we can never speak ill of a bad person once they die!

Can’t you see? It’s only acceptable to deride, chastise and critique someone when they’re living. Once they die, we immediately rose-tint their life so no one remembers what a horrible jack wagon they were. It’s just the way adults do things, everyone. Compassionate liberals don’t have intellectual and ideological consistency! They give those up when a horrible person dies. Don’t you see?

Ugh, and that Pol Pot guy needs to be given a break too. Yes, he was bloodthirsty and barbaric. But he had a family, everyone! Pol Pot had a family!

Seriously, everyone, liberals have to be better than this. We can’t just go and keep on saying the exact same things about someone after they died that we said when they were living; what do you want us to be, consistent? Who the hell is consistent? Adults don’t do that. Mature, responsible adults know that as soon as a horrible human being died, we immediately wipe the slate clean and pretend they were fantastic people, worthy of our praise and adulation!

These people all had loved ones! I cannot say that phrase — LOVED ONES!!!!!11111oneoneone — enough. Having a family means immediately being forgiven for all the terrible things you said and did. That’s just an unwritten law that we have to follow or we’re no better than conservatives, don’t you know? Good, clean, liberals change their minds about garbage people once they die.

You know who else will deserve a reprieve from criticism once he dies? Dick Cheney. Sure, he was a war monger. Sure, his actions and words caused untold damage and loss of life. Sure, while he’s alive we will rip his ass to shreds and rightfully point out all the horrid, insipid, disgusting things he’s done and said. But once he dies, that needs to stop, liberals! Because he has loved ones, don’t you see?

Finally, before I forget, not to get all Godwin on y’all, but we really need to stop being so harsh about Adie Hitler. Sure, he did some really messed-up stuff. Sure, he said some horrible things about minority groups. Yes, denigrated and insulted homosexuals and people who didn’t have the same religion as him, but he had loved ones guys! You can’t speak ill of people who had loved ones!

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About James Schlarmann 1507 Articles
James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.
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