LAC TÊTE DE MERDE, MICHIGAN — 35-year-old Republican voter Bo McGriff doesn’t consider himself a partisan, or an ideologue, and not just because when we asked him he told us he didn’t know what those words meant. After explaining to Bo what the words’ definitions were, he still insisted he wasn’t either. As evidence, McGriff said he didn’t vote against Barack Obama in 2012 when Mitt Romney ran against him, and Bo says had he been on the ballot last year, he probably would have voted for Senator Bernie Sanders over Donald Trump.
“I mean, I ain’t the sharpest crayon in the box,” Bo told us, “but even I knew voting for Trump was a crap shoot and a half. I just knew losing a Supreme Court seat might mean horrific liberal dystopian things like subsidized undergraduate school or free health care, paid for by the taxes of the super-wealthy who just use poor people as the grist in their capitalist machine.”
So, Bo says, he made a calculation and supported Trump instead of sitting out last year, and he realizes he was one of thousands of people in key swing states — Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, Ohio, and his own Michigan — who tipped the election Trump’s way. McGriff says Trump’s tweeting and golf outings have left him with an “unhappy, uneasy feeling” and he’s “not exactly proud” of Trump’s behavior since coming into office, but Bo says that the recent bombshell story about Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein’s long and sordid past of sexual misconduct and predatory behavior has made him realize one important thing — Trump is now completely innocent of any similar charges.
“As far as I’m concerned, as soon some big shot Hollyweird Libtard gets accused of the same crimes against women,” Bo told us, “that’s offsetting penalties. Like in football when the offense and the defense both get flags thrown on them.”
McGriff says that as a lifelong Republican he’s always believed in “traditional family values” that came “largely from the Christian faith” he was raised in. During the Monica Lewinsky affair of Bill Cinton’s presidency, Bo remembers his father Jed yelling and screaming at the TV whenever reports would come on. He’d say that Clinton was an “amoral, Godless, craven, sexualized demon” and had no right to be in the Oval Office.
“Republicans always had the moral high ground,” Bo said, “Whether it was Newt Gingrich, Dennis Hastert, or Bob Livingston, the men who led the crusade to rid the White House of the heathen Clinton family were good, clean, upstanding, moral Christian men. So definitely when Trump was nominated, I was thinking long and hard about sitting out and not voting for anyone.”
Mr. McGriff told us that he’d even started to feel “little pangs of doubt” these past few months. He’s seen no change, no maturation in the septuagenarian alleged billionaire he elected. Bo had started to really come to regret his decision to vote for Trump, and then Weinstein’s transgressions became public, and Bo felt “enormous relief.”
“It’s so comforting to know that every time Harvey Weinstein victimized a woman,” Bo said, “he was doing his little part to exonerate President Trump. That’s a patriotic thing to do, to make your president look better.”
After a moment’s thought, Bo followed himself up.
“And in that way,” McGriff said, “the women who were Weinstein’s victims were helping exonerate Trump. Maybe they need medals of honor or something. I mean, you know, if they weren’t women who usually lie about these things. Wait are those not our talking points right now? Crap. I always forget.”
This satire first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.