Hey Ann Coulter: I’m An Angry Athiest, And Want You To Shut The Fuck Up, You Garbage Person

Ann Coulter said something stupid? NOOO!

Author’s note: If you’re looking for a trenchant and erudite analysis and rebuke of Ann Coulter’s shameful social media posting about Khizr Khan, the Muslim American man who lost is son in the Iraq War and gave a truly memorable and emotional speech at the Democratic National Convention — go somewhere else. Coulter doesn’t deserve respect. She doesn’t deserve silence or ignoring her either. You don’t treat cancer by ignoring it, and Coulter is the kind of cancer you have to carve out with a plastic spoon if necessary. –James

Dear Ann Coulter,

I know you flick your disgusting bean every time someone mentions your name, let alone says these two words to you, but there are times when you open your hate-filled maw and we just can’t avoid confronting you, let alone using the traditional, tried and true insults, so…

Fuck you.

Oh, and also?

Feel free to shut the fuck up, you un-American garbage person. No one with half a brain cell in their head or anything remotely resembling a human conscience can stand behind your insensitive post about Khisr Khan, who I can assure you is more an American than you’ll ever/never be.

Americans, by and large, don’t give each other shit over their religion. Contrary to what the real race and religion baiters like you want us to believe, most Americans are “live and let live” about Muslims and Mexican immigrants — the two groups you pretend to hate so much I bet you secretly wish you could marry yourself to one. Most Americans, unlike you, don’t presuppose that people of a different skin tone or religion from their own are out to get them or otherwise change America in some way that will weaken it.

You argue all the time from the historically weakest position, you lily-white pockmark on humanity. When has history ever smiled on racial and cultural purists? Which famous humanitarian preached separating us all by race or religion? Was it Gandhi? Martin Luther King, Jr.? Even George W. Bush was smart enough to know that not all Muslims are bad, just the assholes who fly planes into buildings and shit. But you? You make your money riling up ignorant assholes who genuinely believe if some dude’s name is Mohammed, he’s instantly suspect.

Do you honestly believe that your rhetoric is any different than racist segregationists who argued that the country would be torn apart if we let those uppity blacks have true equal treatment under the law? Because, let me tell you, Captain Stupid Face, it’s not. At all. There is no difference between “We should keep black people out of this lunch counter” and “We should keep Muslims out of this country.”



What’s really, truly amazing to me is that pieces of shit like you actually think you revere the Constitution. But as much as I’ve searched it, I can’t find a clause in the First Amendment that says we don’t have to apply it to Muslims. You don’t love the Constitution, you have a visceral fear of it. You have a fundamental disagreement with the First Amendment. Otherwise, you would understand that every time you imply that this country was only meant for white Christians you sound like an ignorant, racist trash golem, which is what you are, conveniently enough.

Even if the country was predominantly white and Christian at its founding, the simple fact is that you and your racist ilk have lost the battle over whether you can discriminate against people using the Constitution. For the record — you can’t. Freedom of religion is exactly that. If we started criminalizing a religion because people had killed Americans in its name, Christianity would have been outlawed the first time a Christian killed someone in cold blood in the United States, which I am almost certain happened well-before 9/11 and the right-wing’s obsession with demonizing Islam began.

You are the pluperfect example of someone we liberals mock when we talk about how you idiots keep threatening to “take our country back.” Take it back from whom, Ann? The slaves that built the south’s economy literally for free? Or the Chinese immigrants who helped build the railroads? The Mexican immigrants who help ensure your food gets harvested and onto a truck so it can wind its way to your nest in the seventh ring of Hell where you reside with the soul of Lee Atwater?

I think I know what your problem is — jealousy. You’re jealous in your darkened, coal shaped heart, of Mr. Khan and his wife. Because they’re the kinds of Americans that people actually like, and you’re not. You hate it that you can’t just wrap yourself in the American flag and bleat out idiotic talking points and meaningless jingoistic rhetoric and people fall all over themselves to call you America’s most patriotic American. It bothers you that the Khan family far more resembles what the American dream is about than you’ll ever know.

The truly hilarious and/or sad thing about your comment is that Mr. Khan has every right to be an angry Muslim. His son was killed in a pointless war that your idiotic side dragged us into using lies, more lies, and even more lies. And yet, even though his family has sacrificed more than you ever will at the request of our government, people like you treat him like he’s the outsider when it’s actually you and your ilk that fall far, far from the mainstream, which you inanely account for by insulting public education. Because you know, you’re not a racist asshole, we’re all just dumb.

Fuck you, Ann Coulter. The only good things about you is that a) you’re mortal b) you’re already well-past the half-way point of your shelf life and most importantly…

c) There are far more people like Khisr Khan on this planet and in this country than garbage people like yourself, Ann.

Kisses and Hugs,

Jambo

Comments

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About James Schlarmann 1349 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
  • kelev

    How did you manage to read my mind and articulate it so precisely?

  • ORAXX

    Ann Coulter seems to be of the opinion her conservative politics justify a complete lack of humanity and entitle her to say any vile thing she wants with no expectation of blowback. This is the woman who excoriated triple amputee Max Cleland and 9/11 widows. Whether this is her true sell or an act designed to help sell her god awful books, the net effect is the same. She is a hideous excuse for a human being. Shame on the people who continue giving her a platform.

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