I Could NOT Be More Excited About Living In Donald Trump’s America!

Sometimes you realize you’ve just been giving too much a fuck…about it all…and that’s when you realize, “Maybe it’s okay that Donald Trump could be our president by this time next year.”

It’s certainly very possible he’ll be the Republican nominee. Iowa is looking winnable for him.  The establishment has to be really worried at this point because every single silver bullet they’ve fired at The Hair With a Puckered Asshole For a Mouth hasn’t felled him. Of course, whoever he faces from the Democratic Party will have a pretty good advantage in not being a poster child for all the gross stuff about America and should, on paper anyway, clean his clock. But let’s just pretend that for some reason America has already elected some dumb people and some really untalented schmucks to be president and assume that he could win in November.

Maybe it won’t be so bad, really.

I mean, I’m white. I should say that right off the bat. I’m white as fuck, really. I have a penis, as well. I’m straight too, and I’m middle class. So on those levels things won’t be so bad. For me. And people like me. Stray too far from any of those superficial traits at your own peril though. However, if you’re white, male, straight, and middle class you’re going to fair okay in Trumpmerica. If you’re in the upper classes you won’t notice a difference, as per our standard agreement with you fine folks.

But okay, so you’re not white, or male, or straight…you’re maybe an immigrant. Or maybe you’re Islamic or have a vagina. While that’s not very advisable in Trumpistan, let’s see if we can find things that won’t suck too bad for you.

Non-Penis Possessors: 

Okay, so you’re a woman and now Donald Trump is president. That means that Republicans now control the Supreme Court, Congress and the White House. Maybe your sexual reproductive autonomy is now under threat, but think of the positives! For starters, now any rape you’re subjected to could result in a rape baby you have to carry — by law — to full term. So you get a little bundle of rapey joy, and that is enough to make Jesus very happy. Maybe not you, but that’s okay, you’re a woman. You’re too emotional to be allowed to handle the hiring and firing of your own uterus. Chin-up, woman! You’ll find a suitable man to make you his breeding cow soon enough, and then you won’t have to worry your little female mind with thoughts like, “What meaning does my life have?”

Immigrants:

Yeah, Trump has said some pretty terrible things about Mexicans. According to him, he thinks mostly you’re a bunch of murdering, raping, drug-dealing assholes. So I could see how if that guy wins in November that you’d be a little worried, but don’t be! Think of how much happier you’ll be when you’re rounded up and sent back to Mexico! What’s that you say? You’re one of the millions and millions of undocumented immigrants who aren’t from Mexico and don’t speak Spanish? Well, think of all the fun you’ll have learning Spanish in Mexico! Que perfecto!

Muslims:

You’re kinda fucked in Trumpmerica, and even I can’t find too much of a silver lining for you; sorry. You should really hope he doesn’t win.

Everyone Else That Isn’t White, Straight, Male and Christian:

Let’s face it, you’ve gotten a little big for your britches, and you need the good guys — the white, clean, straight, Christian guys, to take their country back from you. How could you possibly have thought you could have run the country as well as the people who gave you the Three-Fifths Compromise, Dred Scott, Jim Crow, illegal abortion, a federal ban on gay marriage, bloody and costly wars, and crashing our economy twice in the last hundred years? You silly dicks. Just let them all back in charge and you’ll find that sitting quietly in the shadows and locked in a closet is just so much more fun than being a living, breathing participant in the society you live in!

 

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About James Schlarmann 1446 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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