If Ted Cruz Watches Porn, I’m Never Touching My Own Dick Again

There are some things in life that just make sense and need to stay that way forever, thank you very much. Some of those things include, but are not limited to, the following:

  1. “The Empire Strikes Back” is the best Star Wars film ever.
  2. Donald Trump likes Russian whore piss and wants to fuck his daughter.
  3. The best Mexican food north of Mexico is in San Diego County (and I will fight you to the death on this point).
  4. The Beatles are better than the Rolling Stones.
  5. Ted Cruz is a puritanical dick head who thinks people shouldn’t watch porn, let along tug their willies to it.

Just in case you missed it, the Internet went into an absolute mini-stroke over the fact that last night, Senator Ted Cruz’s official Twitter account “liked” a tweet that was sent by @SexuallPosts on Twitter. As you can imagine, that account tweets pornographic material, one of which Teddy liked. Or, if you listen to Teddy and take his word for it like the super honest politician he is, a “staffer” did it. All I know is that whether it was Ted or not, I’ve heard enough about his staff to last me an epoch.

BRANDON WARDELL on Twitter

my man ted cruz is jacking off on 9/11

If Ted Cruz is going to go around liking tweets with porn embedded in them, implying that Teddy watches porn, I hereby resolve to never touch my dick again. Let me put it to you another way — if Ted Cruz suddenly became a fan of my favorite baseball team, my beloved Dodgers, I would sell anything I had with their logo on it, never watch baseball again, and move out of California. Hell, I’d probably move to fucking Mars so I couldn’t even be near America so I wouldn’t be tempted to watch its “favorite pastime,” which is actually now I think watching 600-pound domestic abusers and future brain injury experiment candidates smash into each other every Sunday. I’m trying to say that Ted Fucking Cruz ruins everything he touches or is affiliated with.

Remember when Ted did all those Simpsons impressions? Do you think “The Simpsons” has been remotely funny since? Sure, that show has needed to get the fuck off the air for at least a decade, but I’m saying Booger Eatin’ Cruz somehow made the Simpsons less funny.

What Cruz did to The Simpsons, I absolutely refuse to let him to do pornography. Especially when the Christian Dominionist — look that term up for an absolutely frightening look into the “mind” of Cruz — has had the balls (every pun totally intended) to say that Americans do not have a right to masturbate.




No, really, I know. That doesn’t just sound stupid. That doesn’t just sound Republican Stupid. It sounds Republican Trump Base Stupid, doesn’t it. And since I’m known for writing comically fake news stories that have to get debunked by Snopes, I could see how you would be leery to trust me at my word. So, here’s a news article on the time that Cruz literally said that no one has a right to choke their chicken, flick their bean, or Tiffani their Amber-Thiesens…just so you know I’m not lying.

Ted Cruz Doesn’t Believe You Have the Right to Masturbate

Once upon a time, when he was but a mere solicitor general for the state of Texas, Ted Cruz helped write a 76-page legal brief defending the Lone Star State’s ban on the sale of sex toys. While his argument was ultimately shot down by an appellate court, the brief resurfaced Wednesday, confronting Americans with an unfortunate juxtaposition of mental images.

I’m a red blooded, average man in his late his mid-thirties. To say I enjoy a pornographic clip or two would be redundant and as unsurprising as finding out the Trump Pee Pee Tape is real. But having something — anything — in common with Ted Cruz makes me want to rethink the entire “pulling my pud to and fro” thing. Honestly, I can barely stomach being a human being knowing that Cruz is a member of my species. The only thing that lets me sleep at night is knowing that there’s still a good chance he’ll be defrocked and forced to remove his human outer shell, revealing the coagulated slime inside that we commonly refer to as “Ted Cruz.”

Maybe I just need to find some different spank bank material. Yeah, that’s it, right there! If Ted goes right, I go left. If he goes up, I go down. If Ted’s going to fappity fap fap fap to porn like average people I’m going to step my game up and fap to something Cruz would never, ever look at, not in a million years. So clearly I’m going to have to fap to…

…the Bible.

Wait. What? Surely Cruz reads the Bible, you say. Well, here’s the thing…he doesn’t read any Bible I’m familiar with as a former evangelical, born again Christian. He reads the Republican Bible. Which is like the regular Bible except without all the stuff that Jesus taught about. Instead his teachings have been replaced by Republican talking points. Something tells me if I fap to what’s in the actual Bible, I’ll have no problem jerking off to something Cruz looks at.

Jesus taught everyone to love their neighbor. Cruz wants to deport people who were brought here as minors by their parents “illegally.” Jesus taught us to heal the sick. Cruz doesn’t think human beings have a right to healthcare. Jesus taught us to take care of the poor, to wash their feet, and to serve the lowest among us before the highest. Cruz says, “Fuck all that, worship cash, muhfuckaaaaaaaaaa.”

Teddy only goes near a real Bible when he wants to use it as a prop, so I think I’m safe to stroke my yolk to it.

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About James Schlarmann 1406 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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