I’ll Register As A Muslim Because I’m Not An Ignorant, Hateful Douchebag

I have something wondrous and magical to report. As it turns out, last week, when that bewigged, tangerine twatwaffle was being sworn-in, I was somehow transformed and converted into a Muslim. I didn’t realize it until yesterday when Apricot Pol Pot signed his Muslim ban executive order, but as it turns out, I’m totally a Muslim and will have to register –  like many others — as a Muslim, should our misguided “president” institute such a policy.

If we’re already to the point where our “president” is signing orders that restrict people coming into the country based on their religion, then we can’t be too far away from when they try to institute a registry of Muslims. It was an idea floated during the campaign, and even though it was roundly rejected by pundits and politicians, so was Trump’s proposed Muslim ban, and, well, here we are. Of course, depending on how they were to decide to register Muslims, those of us who fight for real freedom, for true equality, and for real-life liberty and not just the bumper sticker kind Republicans do, can help scuttle their efforts right from the start.

This week, former Secretary of State Madeline Albright joined actress Mayim Bialik in saying they’d sign up to be on a Muslim registry if it were instituted. This is pretty important because they’re both prominent, famous Jewish women. So for them to stand up for the mistreatment of Muslims is huge, and you can count me among those that will join them…not that I’m Jewish by any other measurement but ancestory.

It’s not about my religion or lack thereof, it’s about solidarity and unity with my fellow humans.

You see, I’m not a hateful, ignorant douchebag. I understand how math works. If every Muslim was truly as untrustworthy as many on the right seem to believe now, we’d already be fucked. There are over a billion Muslims on this planet, and if even ten percent were militant jihadists, we’d all be dead by now. No army on Earth has 100 million soldiers. They’d overrun us all.

But beyond common sense and math is this thing called “human empathy” and this other thing called “compassion.” It’s what actually makes us human, among other things, to begin with. Our ability to put ourselves in others’ shoes is what keeps us from stealing, assaulting, killing, or victimizing each other on the regular. It’s a harsh, resource-scarce world out there, and if we were all born without the ability to empathize even a little with our fellow humans, it would be a much darker world to live in, that much is true.

There is nothing American about a Muslim registry.

Well, let me rephrase that now that I look at my high school history books again. There is nothing technically American about it. If we ask the Natives, African-Americans, and every group of immigrants to ever come here from another country, we’d see this is a very American thing, shitting on outsiders. I’m not so naive to say that other cultures around the world don’t practice this kind of blind bigotry, I’m just saying I was raised to believe we’re better than that, and at my age I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to start making excuses for us.

To my dying day I’ll never have any respect for Trump voters. They could have coalesced around a sane person. They could have chosen any number of Republicans that had bad ideas but weren’t going to give over the darkest, most sinister of our American pastimes — bigotry. Instead they sold themselves and their country mates out because they just couldn’t stomach “emails” or “Ben Gozzi” or something…and so, we’re now spiraling downward past even the bullshit that Bush and Cheney got us into.

All we can do is look at what this Banana Republican administration is doing every day and fight it. When they move, we move too, and we try to get in their way. Maybe if a few dozen million of us register as Muslims, it can send a message. I have to believe in the power of activism more than ever now, because otherwise the tide of creeping xenophobia is too much.




If you’re on the fence about whether you, too, should register as a Muslim, just ask yourself, “Am I a douchebag, or do I want to be known as a douchebag?” If you still can’t find your way clear to the right answer, please consider this little fact:

Americans had a chance to accept Jewish refugees from Europe last century. There was this asshole with a shitty mustache wreaking havoc and persecuting them over there. One such very famous refugee was Anne Frank and her family. She was denied asylum. But hey, at least we got a sweet play out of it, huh?

I don’t want my grandkids to read the Diary of Samaira Abbas in thirty years and realize I stood idly by and let the atrocities happen.

Do you?


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.



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About James Schlarmann 1350 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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