You know what? This election cycle can eat a rusted dick. There is something in the air, because tensions are running higher than Charlie Sheen in a clichè punchline.
You’d think with a clownfuck like Donald Trump in the race that it would be such a comical affair that a clownfuck like myself (who puts most of his clownfuck energy into writing allegedly humorous material about these kinds of clownfuck affairs) would be swimming in daily orgasmic releases of pure comedic joy over this election. But the truth is that as ample as the ha-ha fodder has been this time around, there is a definite tonal shift to the horrible that has happened as well…and no, there is no one party that has either caused it or stayed above the fray. So save that shit for someone who believes it.
So I decided, “Fuck it, I’m going to just write something that should take even less intellectual effort than I usually put in, which according to some of my most adorable haters is literally less than a bowl full of moldy tomatoes.” This is what that level of effort and intellectual acumen produced.
John Kasich (R) – “Psycho (1960)”
First and certainly least, is the Governor of Ohio. Spoiler alert: This 56 year old movie’s plot revolves around Norman Bates, a man who seems normal at first, but the more you get to know him you realize what a fucking psycho — YAY! — he really is. So you know, pretty much Kasich’s shtick.
Ted Cruz (R) – “Pecker (1988)”
At first blush, it wouldn’t make much logical sense that Ted Cruz and John Waters would go well together. But a) the movie’s name is “Pecker,” and that Ted once defended the right to curb masturbatory tool sales in Texas, so what better way to commemorate his puritanical bent than with a movie about a man whose name sounds like the dildos Ted fought so hard to keep illegal in the Lone Star state? and b) We all know Ted’s dirty as fuck when the doesn’t have to play his preacher character at night.
Gary Johnson (L) “Avatar (2009)”
It’s the movie everyone says you should love and when you finally get to see it — whether because of the hype or not — it just doesn’t live up. It’s long on technical achievement — like creating a fully-photorealistic 3D world and its inhabitants or knowledge of 19th century philosophy and economics — and short on effective use of those achievements. Pretty much Libertarian style. I wasn’t going to include a libertarian candidate, because why would I, but if I wanted to try and stop the 4,000 word (mostly “statist,” “sheeple,” and “statist sheeple”) about my exclusion of their party.
Bernie Sanders (D) “Election (1999)”
In this darkly satirical look at the toxic nature of campaigning for office at any level, we see the mechanics of elections on the high school level, literally. Bernie Sanders is fighting against what he considers to be the corruption of power in the U.S. government. Considering the level of discord and rancor in this year’s election, it’s pretty much become like high school anyway.
Hillary Clinton (D) “Multiplicity (1996)”
What better movie to be Hillary’s fave than one about a person who makes multiple copies of himself so he can please everyone in his life, and satisfy what he wants? Hillary has never met a side of an issue she couldn’t agree with. Runner-up, “And the Band Played On,” a movie she might one day argue is about Nancy and Ronald Reagan’s tireless work to keep the AIDS epidemic from spreading by not talking about it and pretending it was “just a gay thing”…but only if she’s in a room full of Republicans. Wait. What?
Donald Trump (R) “Birth of a Nation (1915)”
The 1915 silent film that depicts the Civil War from a confederate-sympathizer point of view, romanticizes the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, and features the birth of the Ku Klux Klan. In other words, a Trump Fan’s wet dream of a movie. And since we all know Trump loves to be loved, it has to be his favorite. He can screen it specially on the front lawn of the White House come January 2017 when he’s sworn in as our president/Lizard King!