I’m Pretty Sure Michelle Obama Would Be Our Best President EVER

Wow. Wowy wow wow wow.

That was, essentially, my reaction to First Lady Michelle  Obama’s blistering takedown of Donald Trump in New Hampshire today. In her eloquent, impassioned speech, Mrs. Obama ripped Trump from the top of his head cleanly down to his puckered asshole, and the best part?

She didn’t say his name. Not once.

The First Lady opened her speech by setting Trump up for a fusillade of verbal jabs by talking about American women. She talked about how she and President Obama marked International Day of the Girl celebrating young girls and women everywhere. But when she said she is “out on the campaign trail in an election where we have consistently been hearing hurtful, hateful language about women,” we all knew shit was going to get very real for Donald Trump, very fast.

Thanks to the fine folks at Bustle, we have a transcript of the speech handy, and there are elements that I figured were worth highlighting. I have never seen a more surgical dissection of a horrible human being in my life.

First, she leveled him without having to speak his name, nor even repeat a single syllable of his vile bragging about sexually assaulting women. It was the most classy and eloquent “Fuck you” I think I’ve ever had the privilege to hear.

“The fact is that, in this election, we have a candidate for president of the United States who over the course of his lifetime, and the course of this campaign, has said things about women that are so shocking, so demeaning that I simply will not repeat anything here today.” (source)

Ouch. That wasn’t where she stopped her full bore assault on Trump, though. Just moments later she ripped the bandages Trump and his surrogates have been anxiously trying to cover the wounds opened by the Trump tapes. She laid bare exactly what the subtext of the conversation between Trump and Billy Bush really was.

“I can’t believe that I’m saying that a candidate for president of the United States has bragged about sexually assaulting women. And I have to tell you that I can’t stop thinking about this. It has shaken me to my core in a way that I couldn’t have predicted.” (source)

Her emotions were on full display throughout the speech. At one point she visibly and audibly stumbled over words that were fighting to get over the tears she was holding at bay. This is what made Mrs. Obama’s rebuke a work of art; the balance she struck between fiery condemnation of Trump’s unrepentant lechery and a tear stained treatise on what his words mean when put into action. Michelle Obama spoke for every woman today in New Hampshire, but she spoke for every human being who finds talk of grabbing women by their pussies or forcing sexual advances on them to be as repugnant as it actually is.

It was the kind of speech that probably no politician deserves to be given on their behalf, not that Hillary is Satan incarnate. I’m just saying that Mrs. Obama’s speech was so damn good at times I found myself truly sad that she wasn’t giving it for herself. Because in my opinion. Michelle Obama would be the best president this country has ever had, or could ever wish for.

This isn’t to say her husband has been a terrible president. Truthfully, he’s lived up to enough of my expectations that he deserves a solid B+, but something tells me that Michelle would just be that much better. Her charm and eloquence are part of it, but her passion and ability to brush off her haters like so much Selson Blue is what makes her such a strong candidate, at least in that little part of my heart that isn’t still jaded enough to think she’d disappoint me at least a little like her husband did.

At one point, Mrs. Obama made it very plain just what the uproar over the Trump Tapes is about. While some misguided people think it’s an overreaction to the word “pussy,” it’s not about that. At least not to most of us. Instead, it’s about what Michelle says in this next excerpt.

“This is not something that we can ignore. This is not something that we can sweep under the rug as just another disturbing footnote in a sad election season because this was not just a lewd conversation. This wasn’t just locker room banter. This was a powerful individual speaking freely and openly about sexually predatory behavior.” (source)

It’s her ability to speak plainly and yet passionately about subjects that make Mrs. Obama such a brilliant orator. And it’s also what, I think, could make her a brilliant president. Sure, there’d be the same racist shit birds dogging her presidency as did her husband’s, but I get a feeling that Michelle would have the strength to topple many of her adversaries.

The class with which she eviscerated Trump is what I was so blown away by. I’m an aggressive asshole and I don’t think I have the restraint it takes to fire salvo after salvo on someone and never speak their name. Michelle Obama just showed the power of omission, displaying a cold disrespect well-earned by a misogynist and clear sexual predator.

A couple of weeks ago, the First Lady gave another speech that I think, should Hillary not fuck this up and win in November, will be given a lot of credit for righting HRC’s ship. It was just after Hillary’s fainting spell in New York on the anniversary of 9/11 (#NeverForget #TheseColorsDontRun #PlatitudesMatter). He speech was pitch perfect and it again brought the focus of the campaign onto the key differences between Hillary and Trump.

As much as she’d be great at it, something tells me Michelle is just too smart to lower herself to the office of the presidency. People like her clearly are too human to get down in the muck on the level you have to in order to win, or so they say. And that’s okay; she’ll stay golden to me that way. I’d rather dream of what might have been, then to be disappointed in what was.

But she’d have my vote, whatever the office may be. Dog catcher. Local sheriff. President. What-the-fuck-ever. Michelle Obama is one of the best things to happen to America, ever, and we’re all going to miss the living hell out of her presence in our lives, that much is certain. Hopefully for us all, we won’t be seeing a trophy wife and plagiarist in her stead, but at least we know Mrs. Obama’s doing everything in her power to stop that…now it’s up to us, the voters, to carry that mission through to the end.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.



About James Schlarmann 1481 Articles
James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.
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