James Comey Really Should Probably STFU About Hillary’s Emails Now

I’m not one of those people on the left who thinks Hillary Clinton shits ice cream and is above reproach. Hell, when it comes to the ZOMG EMAILS! that everyone on the right freaks out about, I can at least see their point — to a point. She behaved as if the rules don’t apply to her. But that’s where I get off the Hillary email train, and do you know why? Because every single, solitary politician behaves that way. They all do. 

Yes, even your favorite one.

It’s time for the country to build a bridge, hold hands, and get over Hillary’s emails though. Clearly she violated some rules and acted foolishly, but that’s it. If they wound up costing her the election, shouldn’t that be the end of it? Seriously, as a country we have so many more important things to be focused on, like whether our alleged president helped Russia hack our shit just so he could help make his shitty, stupid family richer than they already are. But, hey, I’m all in favor of the First Amendment and if you still want to focus on Hillary’s emails, go for it.

There’s one guy who really should do himself the favor of a lifetime and shut the fuck up forever and ever about Hillary’s emails though. That man’s name is James Comey. He runs the FBI, and he’s probably a super smart guy. But every time he talks about Hillary’s emails he fucks up. He broke longstanding FBI protocol and told everyone he was reopening the investigation into the emails, only to come out just days later and say, effectively, “Oopsie! We already saw those emails. My bad!” And that should’ve been more than enough out of Comey in regards to Hillary’s emails.

And yet, during his testimony before Congress this week, Comey still managed to put his damn foot in his mouth. Granted, in this instance since elected representatives were asking him about them, he had no choice but to talk about Hillary’s emails and the parts of the FBI investigation into them that he could. But he didn’t have to so grossly over-exaggerate the number of emails Huma Abedin — longtime Clinton aide — forwarded to her husband Anthony Weiner to print out.

Comey made it seem like Clinton was always sending classified shit to Abedin and Huma was in turn always sending them to her hubby to print. That, by the FBI’s own admission just today, is utter bullshit.

FBI officials have internally acknowledged that Director James Comey inaccurately stated the number of Hillary Clinton’s emails her longtime aide Huma Abedin forwarded to Anthony Weiner’s laptop during Senate testimony last week, ProPublica reported Tuesday. (source)

Mr. Comey’s estimates were so far off it’s hard to imagine why he’d even bother guessing at the number in the first place.

In an appearance before the Senate Judiciary Committee, Comey told lawmakers that the bureau had uncovered “hundreds and thousands” of emails that Abedin forwarded to her then-husband, former Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-N.Y.), to print out. Some of those emails, Comey said, were classified.  (source)





If you were watching along with the hearing, you’d almost get the feeling that Clinton was a serially reckless individual and constantly emailed highly sensitive materials. After all, the term “hundreds and thousands” doesn’t exactly evoke an image of just a handful of documents, does it? Of course not. But check out how far off Comey was from the truth.

But ProPublica reported that investigators found Abedin forwarded only a handful of emails to Weiner to print. She did not make a “regular practice” of doing so, as Comey had testified.

It’s unclear how many of the forwarded emails, if any, were among the 12 emails considered classified that Comey said were found on Weiner’s laptop. It’s also unclear how the mistake occurred. (source)

How can someone be the FBI director and continually fuck-up this badly? He never should have said anything about either investigation to begin with, but every single time he talks about the Hillary stuff he puts his foot in his mouth. First it was duplicate emails the FBI had already seen, then it was revealing that the FBI was investigating both Trump and Clinton and he only talked about Clinton. Now, this.

It’s time for James Comey to shut the fuck up. He probably needs to stop being the head of the FBI, but since the nightmare scenario of Donald Fuckface Trump appointing someone is scarier than waking up in between Tammy Lahren and Ann Coulter after a Nazi orgy, I’d really just settle for him shutting the fuck up…at least about Hillary’s goddamned emails.

Because if you ask me, Bernie said it best last year.

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About James Schlarmann 1434 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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