This completely satirical story first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The nation’s capital is abuzz with rampant rumor and speculation after an explosive new email leaked from somewhere within the Department of Justice. The email’s release forced Attorney General Jeff Sessions to scramble and hastily hold a press conference, during which he admitted to being a member of a secret, all-white group known as the Keebler Klux Klan.
“Ladies and gentlemen it is my duty to inform you all that indeed, I am a member of the Keebler Klux Klan,” Sessions told reporters, solemnity in his voice, “and I am very sorry I did not disclose this relationship during my Senate confirmation process.”
Not much is known at this time about the Keebler Klux Klan, but research indicates it’s a group compromised of cookie baking elves who are also white nationalists. It’s unclear if the Keebler Klux Klan has perpetrated any violent or harassing acts on elves of color, but there has always been rampant speculation among those familiar with the tiny, shadowy group. Sessions, who was confirmed in February to the nation’s “top cop” position, was denied a federal judge’s bench seat in 1986 when his candidacy was deep-sixed over several allegations that as a state attorney in Alabama he made several racially motivated decisions that negatively impacted people of color.
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This past week, Sessions came under fire when it was discovered that he planned to use the word “filth” to describe people coming over the southern border wall. Sessions’ defenders have pointed out that in context, he was speaking about drug cartel members, and not all immigrants. Many, though, believe that Sessions’ past history and statements about immigrants in general would indicate that he might have been using the word as a “dog whistle” to President Donald Trump’s supporters, who would not hear the nuance he was attempting to use in separating non-violent undocumented migrants from those who come across the border and commit acts of violence.
“Now, I completely understand,” Sessions told reporters, “that a mean like me, with my history, shall we say, isn’t gonna get that benefit of the doubt on racial issues. But I can assure you, I was only going to use that word in reference to drug gang members. I have so many other words I can use for illegal Mexicans.”
Asked directly about the Keebler Klux Klan, Sessions says he joined it when he was a “low level cookie baker” in his family’s tree house. Attorney General Sessions says as a “young elf” he may have done things “under peer pressure or threat of being kicked out of my tree house” that he might regret today. But, he says, it’s all “water under the bridge.”
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“Look, I did a lot of stuff in my life, okay,” Sessions said, “but that doesn’t mean I can’t do a good job now, does it? Ask yourself, can I not be trusted to do my job fairly just because I have shown time and again in my life to show favoritism toward some groups over others?”
“Don’t answer that question,” Sessions concluded.
This is a developing story.