Jeff Sessions Says White People ‘Can’t Commit Perjury’

*satire*


This obvious satire was first published on The Political Garbage Chute.


WASHINGTON, D.C. — A new bombshell report from CNN has Democrats and even some Republicans on the Hill renewing their calls for Attorney General Jeff Sessions to resign or face other consequences for perjuring himself during his Senate confirmation hearings.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions did not disclose meetings he had last year with Russian officials when he applied for his security clearance, the Justice Department told CNN Wednesday.

Sessions, who met with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak at least two times last year, didn’t note those interactions on the form, which requires him to list “any contact” he or his family had with a “foreign government” or its “representatives” over the past seven years, officials said. (source)

As reported by CNN, the same meetings that Sessions did not report on his security clearance form are the same ones he didn’t report during his Senate confirmation hearings. While Sessions’ team has said that he was instructed not to list those kinds of meetings, this new development will only add more fuel to the raging political fire for President Trump as he tries to convince the country he could have won without the help of Russian hackers.

The new information from the Justice Department is the latest example of Sessions failing to disclose contacts he had with Russian officials. He has come under withering criticism from Democrats following revelations that he did not disclose the same contacts with Kislyak during his Senate confirmation hearings earlier this year. (source)

In an attempt, perhaps, to mitigate the damage, Mr. Sessions held a press conference this morning. In it, the attorney general explained that while he was “sorry” for “giving yet again the appearance” of his “being a bitch boy for Vlad Putin and Donald Trump,” any calls for perjury charges — or any charges for that matter — are “completely and wholly incorrect, wrongheaded, and not even legal.” Sessions explained that as a white person, he simply “can’t commit perjury.”

“When the founders created this government of ours,” Sessions said, “there was much debate over the issue of whether white people would be held accountable for their crimes. There was a certain contingent, shall we say, from slave holding states to push for making it illegal to prosecute a white person for many offenses, one of which being lying under oath.”

Sessions explained that white people “just sometimes have valid reasons to lie,” and that “no snooping big brother government” should be getting in the way of that right.




“I believe in protecting everyone’s rights,” Sessions said, “but I believe in protecting white people’s rights just a little more than other’s. You get it, I’m sure.”

Sessions went onto the explain himself a little further.

“I mean, really no crime is really a crime if you’re fair skinned,” Sessions posited, “we know that. But specifically as it relates to this case, perjury technically doesn’t count if you’re white. The simple truth is that white people can’t commit perjury. It’s in the Constitution. Or at least it was until that tyrant Lincoln’s war of aggression!”

Reporters seemed dubious. They asked why they couldn’t find this exemption on any law books. Sessions offered a reasoning to them.

“Well if it ain’t true, how come we put away hundreds, if not thousands, of people of color for low level drug offenses during the Obama years,” Sessions asked,”but not a single white banker was thrown in jail for illegal acts? See? There’s a double standard whether it’s in the Constitution or not. So, case closed, America. And you’re welcome. Now, try my new E.L. Fudge Cookies, now with only white frosting.”

Comments

comments

About James Schlarmann 1454 Articles

Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.

Twitter Auto Publish Powered By : XYZScripts.com