John McCain Isn’t A Hero or Maverick. He’s a Selfish Coward.

I was born well after Senator John McCain was released from the prisoner of war camp he spent considerable time in back in Vietnam.

The title for this piece that you read before — perhaps angrily — clicking through to read it isn’t meant to take away from his service in that regrettable war. But watching even Democratic senators cheer and applaud the man as he ambled he way into the Senate chamber to cast a “Yay” vote to move the procedure forward, clearing the way for a potential repeal of Obamacare, his hero’s welcome he received left a bitter, angry taste in my mouth.

“Fuck John McCain. #TeamTumor.”

I posted that on my personal Facebook page. And I don’t intend to take it down. Although, I know I’m a comedian, and I’m supposed to come up with jokes about this instead of angry tirades. So here’s a fresh joke for you:

Q: Why did the doddering old fuck cross the road?

A: To take away healthcare from millions while depending on the tax payments of those same millions and then give a pious, self-righteous speech about dignity, honor, and decorum in public debate.

See? I can still write the ha-has even when I’m so mad I’m seeing white hot. There’s still hope yet for this screed.

RELATED: STFU, John McCain. Just, S-T-Fucking-U.

I’m sick and tired of hearing about the great and illustrious career in public service McCain has given us. Bullshit. Heretofore he was mostly the “Maverick” whose biggest claim to fame and the choice he made that had most lasting impact on the American political landscape was to say to himself, “Yeah, that vapid moron in Alaska whose cup size is larger than her IQ? Yeah, she’d be fucking GREAT at the whole president thing! Let’s pick her.”

Hey, in hindsight, maybe it was all the tumor’s fault. I’ve always thought we could blame Sarah Palin’s existence on some kind of malignant disease. I just thought I’d have to resort to naming her dad’s dick “Malignant” and her mom’s vagina “Disease.” But now, maybe I can just put all that on McCain’s tumor.

A lot of people are lining up to pat McCain on the back and slurp his war mongering dick for his bravery and commitment. Braveness in what regard? Commitment to what? I think the answer to both those questions is “white hot hypocrisy.”

Shannon Watts summed it up in tweet-form quite nicely, actually.

Shannon Watts on Twitter

John McCain left hospital stay paid by taxes on flight paid by taxes to remove health insurance from taxpayers. And we paid him to do it.

John McCain isn’t a hero. He wasn’t really a hero before this stunt he pulled, and he’s not a hero now. He’s selfish. Only the most selfish possible person would take tax dollars, pay for his life saving surgery with it, and then turn around and tell the people whose taxes you collected they don’t deserve healthcare as good as yours. But McCain isn’t just selfish. He’s a coward.

Donald Trump insulted him worse than I even have the temerity to do. Trump made his “I like soldiers who weren’t captured” remark aimed at McCain. By all accounts, McCain doesn’t like Trump, and even admonished his Republican colleagues to stop acting like his lapdogs. But yet…

…he caved to public pressure from Trump. John didn’t need to fly out from the Mayo Clinic to cast this vote. He could have told the president to fuck off and focus on his healing. In fact, if the sagging mass of flesh and duplicity before us were really the maverick he claims to be, that’s exactly what he’d have done. McCain could have done the honorable thing and forced the Senate to be more congenial and bipartisan, like his self-righteous, pious speech after the procedural vote said he wanted to do, without coming and casting the vote.

As I watched him enter the chamber, I realized that he was pretty selfish. Not just because McCain was going to take all the healthcare for himself and leave us with none. But also because he wanted that big moment where everyone sucks his dick on the floor of the Senate.

It would have been a bigger “fuck you” to Trump. It is meaningless to decry something and then vote in a way that helps that thing you just decried get one step closer to reality. If John McCain weren’t a husk of a man, and were indeed the hero he’s made out to be, then he would have stayed his old ass at home in Arizona and let his asshole party’s last ditch effort to save its abortion of a healthcare bill die on the floor. That would have been the message to send to his Republican cohorts, that siding with the Democrats this one time was more in the country’s best interest than siding with the Republicans.

RELATED: How Much Did Fox News Give Meghan McCain To Trade In Her Integrity And Loyalty?

But that would mean John would have to be something that Republicans simply are not anymore, not at their core. They aren’t patriots. They don’t care nearly as much about the country than they profess to. Instead, they swear an allegiance to their party. And look, there are plenty of Dems who trod on the same asinine field of play, don’t get me wrong. But right now, the glaring, white hot spotlight is on a doddering old buffoon who wants to rip healthcare away from millions and his pious lecture us on decorum and being good.

And that’s who deserves the scorn and derision right now; Corporate Democrats will give us plenty to harangue them for tomorrow and every other day afterward. I want McCain to ruminate and marinate in my disdain, ire, and perhaps a gently wafted fart or two. I don’t know.

I said I’m a comedian, not a mature one.



About James Schlarmann 1480 Articles
James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.
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