I Cannot Fucking Believe I Have to Defend Tammy Lahren Now

Over the weekend, word got out that “The Blaze” has fired right-wing firebrand, and broomstick in a blonde wig, Tammy/Timmy/Tumor/Timpani/Tomi Lahren. At first, I wanted to rejoice. And believe me, on some level I still pretty much. But as I started to think about it more and more, I think Troubadour got a bad wrap from her employer, and while I’m sure her contract says she can be fired for whatever Glenn Beck’s online media publishing company wanted to, it shows a wholly unsurprising lack of self-awareness and plethora of hypocrisy, and goddamn it all, I’m going to lobby for the Teutonic Trumper to get her job back.

For starters, let’s discuss what got the Libertaryan Princess into so much hot water within the land of conservatism. Remember, heretofore she was becoming quite the darling of the right for telling we libtards to can it and stop acting like such snowflakes. But, apparently, it doesn’t matter how much you falsely conflate Black Lives Matter with the KKK, eventually conservatives could still turn on you if you don’t fall lock-step in with their beliefs, which is of course super-duper funny considering that’s what they say liberals do to them all the time.

I think someone with The Blaze must have wanted to try and mainstream Timmy at the end of last year, because they kept booking her on shows like “The Daily Show” and “The View.” It was on that second show, that everything for Trampoline and The Blaze started to go south. ┬áHere, below, is the moment in Tom Tom Drum’s life when things started spiraling out of control.

Basically what got Lahren in trouble was her having the audacity to not toe the religious right, conservative line completely. While I think no one in their right mind would argue that Tomato is a progressive, the fact that she dared to call herself “pro-choice,” and then took it one step further to (rightly, for once) call out conservatives for their “small government” hypocrisy when it comes to guns versus abortion, she was castigated by conservative America, and ultimately, after being suspended from her show for a week, she was summarily fired this morning.

Now, before I mount a spirited — yes really — defense of Travesty, let me get one thing out of the way, and start addressing Tuberculosis directly, yeah?

Dear Tomatio,

Here’s my real-quick response to you getting fired:

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Honestly, you don’t deserve to be fired for this, or any time you open your flapping maw, no matter how batshit fucking crazy or downright stupid it is. See, as a liberal, progressive man, I don’t have any issue with you, or any conservative saying whatever it is you want to say. I mean, I may agree with your take on abortion, but that is probably the only take I agree with you on, and yet, I’d never want you to be fired just for being a hate-and-talking-point spewing moron. It’s your right, as an American, to say what it is you want, as long as you aren’t inciting violence.

And as far as I can tell, you mostly just incite ignorance, vapidity, and shallow thinking. So, not a crime, and certainly not something you should get fired for. In fact, I find it truly hilarious in its hypocrisy that you have been fired by a media group run by Glenn “The Constitution Is So Sexy I Want To Fuck It” Beck. Dude acts like he’s the sole protector of the First Amendment’s promise of free speech, and yet, here you are being run out of Conservative Town on a rail because you dared to not think in lock-step with him and the Religious Right.




Then again, let’s be honest here, Travesty, shall we? Not that long ago you were shitting all over the women’s marches against Trump. Why? Because some pro-life women’s groups weren’t welcomed with open arms to the marches. At least that’s what you said. So not that long ago, you were calling the left for allegedly not being inclusive of people with different viewpoints on abortion, only to be fired for having a different view point on abortion from your conservative brethren and sister-en. I kinda have to “LOL” at you a little for that, don’t I?

But ultimately, Tableau, I do think you got a very raw deal. I don’t understand how The Blaze could fire you for being controversial when that is clearly what they hired you to do. Oh wait, I get it. I know why this case is different — it’s because you didn’t criticize and troll the left this time; you criticized the right. And for all their professions of loving free speech and thought, clearly your bosses aren’t all that into the concept, and neither is your audience, if they turned on you so hard and so fast that they got your ass canned.

It’s insanely hypocritical of you to get fired for this, especially after all your rants about liberals not allowing for different schools of thought within their ranks. Of course it is. But here’s the thing though, Trichinosis, you’re not going to get a lot of sympathy, at the end of the day. Because the injustice of your firing is meaningless next to the outright racist, dogmatically conservative bullshit you spewed about BLM, Colin Kapernick, and we “snowflakes” in general.

Even as someone who hates the overwhelming majority of the words that come out of your mouth, I would never advocate you get fired for your views. No matter what brush you try to broad stroke liberals with, Tone Loc, the bottom line is that most of us don’t care what you say, as long as you don’t try to use the government to hurt or victimize people. So, hopefully, when the dust settles you’ll have some time to reflect on how you’ve generalized about liberals, because it’s your conservative pals that fucked you here, Trouble With Tribbles, not liberals.

Maybe you’ve learned a lesson. Maybe this whole thing has taught you that right-wingers are just as guilty of mob mentality ideological witch hunts as you claim liberals to be. Maybe, just maybe, you’ve learned a little nuance now. But, something tells me once you start your next gig at Fox News that I’m sure you’re already in contract negotiations for, you’ll be back to talking incessant, non-stop, nonsensical shit on the left, and will completely ignore that the fascists in your own ranks are who tripped you up and shut your platform down, not we snowflakes.

…then again, maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow as a millionaire with an Adonis-like body. It’s fun to speculate, isn’t it?


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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About James Schlarmann 1446 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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