I Laugh At You When You Tell Me Your Gun Keeps Us Safe From Tyranny. Here’s Why.

Ammon Bundy(R), leader of a group of armed anti-government protesters speaks to the media as other members look on at the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge near Burns, Oregon January 4, 2016. The FBI on January 4 sought a peaceful end to the occupation by armed anti-government militia members at a US federal wildlife reserve in rural Oregon, as the standoff entered its third day. The loose-knit band of farmers, ranchers and survivalists -- whose action was sparked by the jailing of two ranchers for arson -- said they would not rule out violence if authorities stormed the site, although federal officials said they hope to avoid bloodshed. AFP PHOTO / ROB KERR / AFP / ROB KERR (Photo credit should read ROB KERR/AFP/Getty Images)

Honestly, every single time you tell me that your guns are going to protect you — and by proxy me — safe from government tyranny I laugh my balls off for two reasons.

  1. The Americans complaining about and living insanely paranoid lives fretting over tyranny have no idea what it looks like, and they actually tend to favor laws that could be described by some as pretty close to tyrannical if you’re LGBTQ, a Muslim, or a woman.
  2. lolnukeslol

Wayne LaPierre probably has a jerk-off fantasy where he’s alive in that time period and he finally gets to blow his “armed revolt” load he’s clearly got backed way, way up his shriveled, useless, literally lifeless balls. Except the only time that’s ever been necessary was over 200 years ago, and it’ll never happen here again.

The founders were starting a new country, a country of the people, by the people and for the people. They never had any intention of disarming the populace. The Second Amendment was a way to ensure that no occupying government would ever be able to subjugate Americans, quarter soldiers (which is also forbidden by the Constitution), and take away their guns.

It’s really hilarious that gun nuts are incapable of seeing how NOT like the founders they are in regards to the the threat to their right to bear arms. They have and have had ever since the Second Amendment was ratified a nearly untouched, unfettered Constitutional right, and their government has never undertaken a concerted, organized effort to disarm them. Other free countries have so…

Am I saying the Bill of Rights, and specifically the Second Amendment, is outdated? Hell yes I am. Of course I am.

We have history’s most powerful army. And navy. And  air force, and marine corps. Oh, we also still have state militias. They’re called the National Fucking guard. We also happen to spend a fuck-ton, an actual fuck-ton more on national defense of our borders — the true reason behind the Second — than the next dozen countries combined. Of course in an era where we had to borrow ships, soldiers and guns from from other countries it was vital to make sure some kind of defense against invasion was in place, but now the DOD budget has supplanted the need for a Second Amendment.

I’m not arguing we abolish the Second. We should acknowledge that times have changed and we just tighten it up, right?

“But,” you say, “As soon as we let them start controlling our guns, they control us, and we live under tyranny.” Settle down, Sgt. Slaughter. Let’s just stop and think about this for a moment.

Our armed forces are the closest thing you can get to invincible. They have flying death robots. They have missiles and bombs that we call “smart” because of how accurate and deadly they are. The most well-trained Doomsday Prepping militia outfit made up of former Navy SEALS or Green Berets couldn’t stand up to the full force of the United States Armed Forces.




Not that we’d have to worry about that.

If a president were to attempt to subvert the Constitution, ignore the Heller decision and break Federal law, ordering all of our guns taken away — the Pentagon wouldn’t listen. He’d be relieved of his duties, impeached and likely sent to prison.

Sure, you never know what’s going to happen when a gun is pointed at your head, but if you can’t even have faith in your president to not become a dictator than what’s the point, really? Which brings us to the real crux of the issue.

Many of the same insane people telling us the Second Amendment is a safeguard against the tyranny of our own government, actually think we live under an oppressive dictatorship now. But I assure you that if you were to pluck up any gun zealot screaming and yelling about “Maobama” and drop them into an actual Communist country with an actual Communist dictator, they’d last all of five minutes before hopping the first flight out.

The level of comfort in this country is staggering compared to those still-developing nations. You could move to a country where it’s legal to own a fully-automatic weapon if you’d like, but then good luck getting the cops to help you in your gun battle with anyone else who owns that same machine gun.

No American today knows what living in real tyranny is. I mean you know, unless they’re a minority trying to vote in a swing state. Or if they’re transgender in a state that cares where they pee or poop.

That’s tyranny of government.

Yes, the American government can be at times very cruel and tyrannical. But not in any way that a grumpy, gun cuddling sycophant would think. Because even in its own forms of tyranny, we still live in America. There is still hope.

When I think of tyranny, I think of a depraved indifference to human life and happiness.

I think of perhaps cynical, capitalistic motives that compel a lobbyist group to force our government that is supposed to represent us into not doing anything about gun regulation at all. I think of that lobbying group who is so protective of the profits of their corporate masters that they block scientific research and data collection. I think of a group that uses spree killings to elicit such feelings of false panic that a run on weapons and ammunition always follows the mass shootings, much to their delight.

That’s tyranny. Forcing a population to abandon policies the overwhelming majority of Americans want, but can’t have thanks to the almighty Dollar. And if guns were what kept us safe from other guns, then by all rights we should have the lowest amount of gun crime than anywhere else. Except…we don’t. At all.

I laugh at you when you tell me your gun keeps me safe from tyranny. Because I’m not being tyrannized, neither are you, and even if we were, thanks to everyone giving the DOD a cash trough for a few decades, we’re both totally fucked if the never-gonna-happen happens and our government goes rogue on us. That’s why.

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About James Schlarmann 1453 Articles

Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.

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