I’ve crafted a response to Trump fans — no matter how famous they are — for every time they call me “unfunny.” Mind you, people should understand that when you call a comedian unfunny, chances are that comedian isn’t going to care. You learn really early on when you write and perform comedy that is probably the most subjective art form on the planet. But my response to Trump fans is tailored to their own “unique” intellect. It goes like this:
Being called unfunny by a Trump supporter is like being called dumb by a Trump supporter.
To be honest, in my Twitter fight with conservative talk show host/totally not a fascist asshole Laura Ingraham, I should have probably landed on that response and left it. But I can’t help myself sometimes, and admittedly, I left the door open for Ingraham to slam me, which she did, and that let loose the flood gates of Trumpian derp into my Twitter mentions. I’ve got another piece in the works that will show you all just how open minded, not racist, not homophobic, and not antisemitic Ingraham’s fans are, but for now, let me reconstruct for you how my Twitter fight with Ingraham started, and also show you how even though she killed me, she did so by deflecting away from my knock out punch and simply not answering it.
So here’s Laura’s tweet and my first response to her:
@IngrahamAngle So you’ll be signing up to die? Or your children will? Just want to make sure you’ll walk the patriotic walk.
Obviously I was responding to the conservative dog-whistle of “peace through strength” which actually means “liberals are pussies who don’t want war.” Laura didn’t understand that, and tweeted back at me with this:
You obv have trouble reading. So now you’re against peace.https://twitter.com/jamboschlarmbo/status/761329740573609984 …
So I explained it to her:
@IngrahamAngle Oh, sorry, I’m used to conservatives using “strength” as a dog-whistle for “war war war!” Gee. Wonder why that is?
Then she tried to end it with this really lame response:
How many “wars” did Reagan wage?https://twitter.com/jamboschlarmbo/status/761330819755413504 …
And, that’s when I hit her with the kill shot, or what should have been the kill shot if she hadn’t ignored and not answered:
@IngrahamAngle Legal or…?
I was honestly awaiting some kind of snarky response about Democrats starting Vietnam and shit, which I got in spades from her mouth-breather fans, but instead Laura never responded. Until, that is, I slapped down one of her fans with this:
@pnewiz @IngrahamAngle Stay on topic, Slapnuts. This is about the absurd notion that @realDonaldTrump can keep ANYONE safe.
So the concern troll Ingraham tweets this:
You’re a “comedian”? Gentle reminder–Make people laugh.https://twitter.com/jamboschlarmbo/status/761339190206271489 …
Pretty solid line, to be fair. And while I should have just gone with my canned response I told you came up with at the top of the piece, I went with what I thought was a good enough response anyway:
And the award for the most stinging and original insult goes to…Wannabe Ann Coulter everyone! Take a bow!https://twitter.com/IngrahamAngle/status/761340013711884288 …
And then Laura landed the final shot on me:
Remember when comedians were funny?https://twitter.com/jamboschlarmbo/status/761340264195555328 …
Of course, I remember a time when conservative pundits wouldn’t be caught dead supporting a douchebag like Trump. I remember when being conservative didn’t necessarily mean being a fascist, racist, or anti-Muslim. But whatever, good shot Laura. You nailed my ass to the wall, didn’t you?
I can admit it when I’m beat; it’s okay. I’m a 35 year old man, for fucks’ sake. She took a good shot at me and let her mouth-breather fans bombard me with hate tweets. So I’m not going to try and spin it. I’m a douchebag comedian with a little under 500 twitter followers, and she’s an Aryan princess with over 700,000 followers. She got me. I wear it like a badge of honor when Turmpeters don’t find me funny, but she got me.
Really though, why didn’t she answer my tweet about Reagan’s illegal wars? For that matter, why did she bring up Reagan and not George W. Bush and his dad, who dragged us into the quagmire that eventually led to ISIS’ rise? Oh, I remember why.
Because she’s a disingenuous hack peddler of bullshit, that’s why. Anyone with even a soupcon of intellectual honesty would never imply that Reagan’s hands were clean. For fucks’ sake the whole reason they’re trying to make the $400 million dollars that Iran got as part of the nuclear deal seem like a scandal is so they can wipe everyone’s memories of when Reagan actually did partake in an illegal guns for hostages swap.
We knew the Republicans were desperate because their attempt to create a scandal out of a six-month old, widely reported story about Iran getting their own money back. But they are beyond desperate if they’re pinning their hopes to Trump. Ingraham is a principle-free purveyor of hate speech wrapped-up in a cute little package and sold as “conservatism.” She must think in Trump’s America she’ll have a coveted seat at her friend’s right-hand. Except he’ll just toss her aside like he does everyone else when they’re no longer useful to him, and she’ll be stuck with a ruined reputation when Trump loses in a land slide.
I’d rather be unfunny than sell my soul to a hate-filled egomaniac with too much time on his hands to do something besides ruin our country and dredge up the foulest of American citizens that we’e been trying for 240 years to bury deep, deep below the surface. Maybe that’s just me.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.