By now, you’ve probably seen White House senior policy adviser Stephen Miller being interviewed on four different Sunday morning shows. If not, you really should do yourself a favor and watch one of them, perhaps the interview Miller did on ABC’s This Week With George Stephanopoulos. The show’s host, Stephanopoulos, broke through into the mainstream as a member of the Bill Clinton administration, so he’s no stranger to creative truth telling, but even he was shocked and aghast by how bold Miller was with his mendacious claims of rampant voter fraud in New Hampshire and elsewhere. Luckily for us, George was on his game and repeatedly called out Miller for lying over and over again about his claims, which he presented with absolutely zero evidence.
Miller spoke of Trump having powers that are “beyond question.” Because you know, they’re not authoritarian, white nationalist assholes. Miller also said Trump’s power “will not be questioned.” Undoubtedly, Miller is the creepiest, weirdest presidential adviser the country has seen since Ronald Reagan briefly considered Dr. Hannibal Lecter for Health and Human Services Secretary. But this got me to thinking — is Miller the creepiest thing going right now?
The answer? Yes. In fact, I did some crack Internet research and found five people, places, and things that most Americans find to be the creepiest ever, and Miller still beats them out. How’d I do?
#5. Those Creepy Clown Fucks That Were Hanging Out After Dark in 2016
When we look back on 2016, we’ll probably always think of a scary, maniacal, creepy clown. And then when we’re done remembering that Donald Trump won the election, we’ll remember all those weird creepy dudes dressed up in clown attire and hanging out near wooded areas. Of course, in hindsight they really were the perfect metaphor for Trump — an off-putting clown you certainly wouldn’t trust around your kids…or around his kids…or around his daughters…or his one daughter…Ivanka…who he wants to fuck. But even these weird forest clowns are at least 34% less creepy than Stephen Miller.
#4. Bill Cosby Tending Bar At Your Local Watering Hole
This one is admittedly a toss-up. Bill Cosby and alcohol is a truly creepy combination if ever there was one. But even ol’ Rapey Bill knows that the judicial branch of government is a co-equal branch to the presidency. Even Mr. Slip You A Mickey himself knows that judicial review is a thing and has been for nearly 200 years. As creepy and horrific as it would be to walk into your favorite bar and see Cosby behind it slinging hooch, you know that it’s far creepier thinking of Miller spending his free time quietly stroking and caressing the totally illegal and fear mongering executive order his bossy will sign next.
#3. John Wayne Gacy’s Old House
Do you know what was found buried under one of the most notorious serial killers’ home? If you do, then you must also realize how creepy Stephen Miller is, if he’s creepier than Gacy’s home. I would rather spend a week straight in Gacy’s murderous old abode, the nightmares of all the poor, innocent kids he killed flooding my dreams, than live in an America where a boot licking, racist stooge like Miller is setting policy. How about you?
#2. Jared Fogle’s Home For Wayward Boys and Girls
If Jared Fogle — Subway’s most famous former spokesman/current pedophile — were to open an orphanage, it would be less creepy than Stephen Miller. In fact, I’d be inclined to believe that Miller would help raise the funds Fogle needed to open his orphanage because of Fogle’s connections to Subway, which is a large, multinational corporation, which we all know Miller believes are more important than actual humans…especially if those humans have dark skin or don’t believe in Jesus Christ as their lord and savior.
#1. Donald Trump
Remember when that Access Hollywood tape came out and we all realized that Donald Trump isn’t just a racist, out of touch, rich oligarch, but also a creepy, racist, out of touch, rich oligarch? Remember when we all thought there was no way anyone could be more creepy than the “grab ’em by the pussy” guy? Well, Stephen Miller is the universe’s way of saying, “Fuck all that, I got something way creepier than even Donald Trump!” Maybe it’s how coldly and callously he insisted that Trump’s power won’t be challenged, or maybe it’s that Miller bears a pretty striking resemblance to Hitler’s propaganda man Joey Goebbels. But whatever the reason, somehow Herr Miller comes off more creepy than his tiny-handed boss who wants to fuck his own daughter.
Figure that one out, why don’t ya?
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.