A Lesson on the First Amendment For A Guy Who Should Know How It Works

Hi President Donald Trump,

You know…It still feels really fucking weird typing that. I don’t think I’ll ever actually get used to the feeling of having my fingers pound out “President Donald Trump” and it’s not a joke. As a satirist, before November of last year the phrase “President Donald Trump” was so farcical as to feel beyond the scope of even my attempts at satirical musings. And the more you speak, the more you…are who you are…the more I realize that you truly are the least well equipped and educated man to ever occupy the Oval Office.

Last night in Racist McRacist Land Alabama you were shot out of a cannon. Maybe it’s stress you must be feeling as Robert Mueller is honing in on you. Don’t think we’re ALL distracted by your bullshit, Don. A lot of us know that your flailing, screeching, diarrhea spewing nonsense is a diversion. We’ve got our eyes on you, dude. But one thing you said in Alabama in particular is getting quite a bit of buzz.

Then, this morning, because Steph Curry said he’d skip it, President Trump uninvited his NBA team to the White House like a petty bitch. So let’s recap:

  • Barack Obama
  • Jemele Hill
  • Steph Curry
  • Colin Kaepernick

All of these people have gotten more scorn and derision from Trump than Nazis did…and there’s something they all have in common. I just can’t quite put my finger on it.

From Politico:

“Wouldn’t you love to see one of these NFL owners, when somebody disrespects our flag, to say, ‘get that son of a bitch off the field right now — he’s fired,’” Trump said at a rally in Alabama for Republican Sen. Luther Strange.

He added, “We’re proud of our country, and we’re proud of our flag.” (Politico)

First of all, Don, whether or not anyone is proud of our country, or our flag, your approval ratings show me that 60% of the country, at the very least, are not proud of you. Secondly, Donny Boy, I find it really hilarious that you were bellowing this nationalist garbage in a state that if you polled its residents would support seceding again. And I have a feeling the flag that most of your supporters watching you last night are proud of the most is the Confederate one. Maybe visiting the White House was an honor before, but now that you’re stank is filling the hallways, hell to the no.

What your tirade against people like Colin Kapernick has taught me is that you are no different than the Triggered Aryan Snowflake herself, Tomi Lahren. Tumor was dumb enough to imply on Twitter the other day that the only people burning flags are on welfare. The fact that there have been people burning flags since before the welfare state means that she, like you, is to use the technical term, stupidiculouslydumbasfuck.

It occurred to me that you, our sitting president, are like Tambourine Lahren, and you don’t get how the First Amendment works. Taking a knee during the anthem isn’t un-American. In fact, it’s the most American thing you can do. You fucks like to scream and wail and moan about how “people died for our freedumbs.” Cool. And accurate if you’re talking about our pre-imperious days. The thing you guys don’t want to admit though, is that the freedom people died for was so that ordinary citizens could protest their government, and that’s what taking the knee does.

In fact, it’s a peaceful protest. And that is the exact kind of protest that visionaries like Martin Luther King, you know — the guy who you guys think still would be in your party even though you want Americans to believe cops are never in the wrong for killing unarmed black men — believed in. But more importantly, the Constitution protects peaceful protest in its very first amendment.




So I think what we have here is a situation where you and Tuberculosis and Sean Hannity get a quick lesson in how the First Amendment works. We’ve already covered that flag burning is protected speech. You know what else is?

GRAPHIC ART:
Protected.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SONG:

LANGUAGE (My personal favorite):
  • President Donald Trump is a racist.
  • President Donald Trump is a rich, spineless, out of touch piece of shit white supremacist.
  • President Donald Trump has an easier time ripping black athletes then condemning Nazis.
  • President Donald Trump loves Russian whore piss.
  • President Donald Trump is an abject failure in everything he does in life and is given chance after chance only because he was born rich.
  • President Donald Trump is a goddamned fucking idiot.
  • President Donald Trump desperately wants to fuck his First Lady, but Ivanka isn’t sure she’s into him that way.
  • President Donald Trump is a cunt.
  • President Donald Trump’s son, Donald Trump Jr. colluded with Russian officials to get dirt on Hillary Clinton during the election, and Robert Mueller will be bringing the goddamned hammer down on him and everyone else.
  • No, really President Donald Trump is a cunt.
  • Fuck Donald Trump.
  • Impeach Donald Trump.
  • Donald Trump licks his own asshole, sticks his dick into mashed potatoes, and likes Nickleback.
  • Seriously though, President Donald Trump is a cunt.

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About James Schlarmann 1453 Articles

Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.

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