Mark Cuban to Start “Billionaires Nobody Fucking Wants as Presidents Party” for 2020 Run

DALLAS, TEXAS — Billionaire businessman Mark Cuban is an outspoken critic of President Donald Trump, and has been since Trump announced his candidacy. This weekend, Cuban made waves when he said he was considering running against Trump in 2020, and raised even more eyebrows when he said he’d “probably” run as a Republican, challenging Trump within his own party. Later this afternoon, however, Cuban said he’s also considering starting his own political party, much the same as Teddy Roosevelt formed the Bull Moose Party, or Progressive Party as it was officially coined, when he ran for office in 1912.

“Maybe I’ll be a Republican in 2020,” Cuban told a radio host in Dallas this afternoon, “and maybe I’ll start my own party. I’ve got a name picked out already. The Billionaires Nobody Fucking Wants as Presidents Party. Catchy, huh?”


RELATED: Sarah Sanders Drinks Diarrhea, Punches Nun And Jumps Off Brooklyn Bridge Because Kelly Told Her To

Cuban says that he’s currently trying to “suss out just how incredibly stupid an idea” his running for president would be. Mr. Cuban says he’s engaged one of the best polling and focus group companies money can buy in an effort to determine if “people would prefer another out of touch rich guy to the out of touch rich guy with toxic levels of stupidity.” Cuban says that his total lack of governing experience may make him similar to Trump, but that’s not a knock on him.

“Who says we can’t fix our country after electing a billionaire windbag who never held an office in his life and doesn’t ever get held accountable by electing another, different billionaire windbag who doesn’t ever get held accountable because of how rich he is,” Cuban asked rhetorically, “No really, who said it? Because I’ll sue them so hard.”

Mr. Cuban went onto to give a few more reasons why Americans would be better off with him instead of Trump as their “elected plutocrat.”

“Look, I’m a big rich asshole, there’s not even a point in denying that,” Cuban admitted, “but compared to Trump, I’m Abe Lincoln. Next to him, I look like Franklin Roosevelt. Sure, if I’m already floating the idea of being a Republican that means the economic policies I favor will suck for the middle class. And it means I’ll align myself with a party that wants to rip away women’s sexual autonomy and LGBTQ equality. But you know, I won’t be Trump, so that’s something, right?”

Cuban was able to describe why he thinks he may have a shot to unseat President Trump.

“People are used to choosing between the lesser of two evils,” Cuban said, “and now they’ll be choosing between the lesser of two douches, one of which turns out to be pretty fucking evil.”

The White House did not respond to requests for comment on this story.


This satire first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.

Comments

comments

About James Schlarmann 1453 Articles

Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.

Twitter Auto Publish Powered By : XYZScripts.com