Michelle Obama’s Arms Might Disagree About How Irrelevant Melania’s Shoe Choice Was

Look, for the record, and I truly mean this: I don’t give a good goddamn what kinds of shoes Melania Trump wears any place she goes.

First — I’m not a misogynist. I know that women, like men, can choose to walk around in whichever shoes fit their fancy. After watching Wonder Woman kick ass this summer, I don’t need any more convincing that fashion style choices don’t really have any relevance except to whoever is wearing them. So if Other Ivanka wants to run around flood ravaged Texas in stiletto heels, rain boots, sandals, Frankenstein’s monster’s boots, or even in bare feet — I don’t give a fuck.

You know who might have some fucks to give though? Michelle Obama. Or her arms at least.

For eight years, Republicans called Mrs. Obama “Moo-Chelle” and made fun of her “manly” appearance. Of course to those of us with IQs north of the number of Cracker Barrels we ate at this week, insulting Mrs. Obama’s looks was patently obvious projection and/or racism. Why? Because Michelle Obama is fucking hot, that’s why. In fact, the Obamas are a smoking hot couple, and any reasonable person knows this. But, okay, fine, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, blah blah blah. So let’s just say that it’s understandable if some Republicans simply didn’t find Mrs. Obama good looking.

They still complained about Michelle Obama showing her arms. No, really. They did. I have the proof, right here.

First Lady’s Bare Arms Cause Uproar

The latest arms controversy embroiling the White House has nothing to do with the Second Amendment. Instead, it’s sprung from criticism about Michelle Obama showing off her toned triceps and biceps in her first official photo as first lady.

I’m not sure exactly how pathetic and weird you have to be to care that Michelle Obama showed her arms, but boy howdy did Republicans ever give a fuck. Apparently it wasn’t classy or lady-like for the First Lady to show her toned arms? I don’t know. I don’t get it, but it wasn’t just her arms that would get Michelle mocked by the right. It didn’t really matter what she did or didn’t do. In fact, they didn’t stop at making fun of or questioning her outfits or fashion, some even accused her of being a beard for the “obviously gay” Obama. But tell me again how we should have any sympathy for Melania catching hell for wearing fuck-me-heels to visit people whose lives have been destroyed by a natural disaster.




They didn’t stop at Michelle, either. Conservatives loved to lambaste the Obama girls, minor children, for not looking dignified enough for their tastes. I know that “eye for an eye” leaves everyone blind. But even though I can’t speak for everyone who mocked Melania’s shoes, I can say that when I did it, it was purely to point out the stunning hypocrisy of the right. I did it, in other words, to show just how stupid it was for conservatives to do it for eight years. Call me petty if you want to, I just think sometimes you have to fight fire with fire if you’re trying to cauterize a hypocritical flesh wound opened up by a demonic, orange shit clown and his administration or supporters, is all.

Maybe Melana’s shoe choice doesn’t matter, that’s true enough. But do you know what will always matter? Calling out hypocrisy. Galling, unmitigated, unfiltered hypocrisy is a toxic poison, and it’s never a bad thing to point it out when it’s so goddamned brazen.

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About James Schlarmann 1406 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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