Taking a Guess at Second Lady Melania Trump’s Daily Schedule

A report in Vanity Fair this week intimated that Second Lady Melania Trump “never wanted” to be married to the President of the United States, no one is occupying the East Wing of the White House the the president’s spouse usually uses, and that she’s trying to stay out of the spotlight altogether.

Sad!

You’d think such a strong alpha male like this guy here…

…would have no problem keeping his wife by his side. How can she resist the temptation to spend every waking hour with…this guy, here, I wonder:

Well, whatever the reasoning for it, The Third Mrs. Donald J. Trump is having none of this First Lady bullshit, and she’s staying the fuck away. Which made me wonder what it is she does during the day. And so I reached out to Melania’s people at Trump Tower, and when they didn’t return my phone calls, I made up her daily itinerary out of whole cloth. You know, like satirists do.

05:30am – Wake up, avoid the fuck out of husband

06:15am – Take shower, avoid the fuck out of husband

07:45am – Walk Barron to Little Lord Fauntleroy’s School of Future Oligarchs, avoid the fuck out of husband

08:55am – Literally cuck the president with personal trainer, avoid the fuck out of husband even harder

11:05am – Take another shower, try to wash the shame and guilt from my soul, avoid the fuck out of husband

12:35pm – Lunch, avoid the fuck out of husband

01:35pm – Leave apartment to walk to Barron’s academy to pick him up; avoid the fuck out of husband

02:00pm – Daydream about what life would have been like if I had married a different orange racist; avoid the fuck out of husband

02:15pm – Read old Michelle Obama speeches; avoid the fuck out of husband

03:35pm – Write my own speeches; avoid the fuck out of husband

04:35pm – Work on anti-bullying initiative, see husband is still tweeting and realize how futile it is; avoid the fuck out of husband

05:30pm – Literally cuck the president again, hoping the sex with someone remotely attractive will wipe the pain and sorrow out of my heart; avoid the fuck out of husband

06:45pm – Dinner with Barron; avoid the fuck out of husband

07:15pm – Reading time with Barron; avoid the fuck out of husband

09:00pm – Watch Rachel Maddow, fantasize about going on her show, avoid the fuck out of husband in truly ironic way

09:30pm – Barron goes to bed; avoid the fuck out of husband

10:15pm – Take powerful cocktail of narcotics that makes me forget who I am long enough to sleep, avoid the fuck out of husband


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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About James Schlarmann 1207 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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