Dear President-Elect Colostomy Bag: Mexico Won’t Pay For Your Wall, The American People Will

Dear President-Elect Colostomy Bag,

We know Mexico isn’t paying for your wall, we are. So this tweet, here? Bullshit.

For starters, we all knew you were full of shit when you told gullible voters you’d make Mexico pay for it. You made it seem like you’d just waltz down there, stick your little hand out, and they’d start piling the pesos into your diminutive, orange palm. Most of us on the left knew you had no leverage to do this, and you’d fail miserably at it, and a lot of us knew you’d end up trying to stick taxpayers with the bill, and guess what?

That’s exactly what you said you’re going to do.

You can act as if our tax dollars are going to be some kind of down payment or loan to Mexico for the wall, but we all know we won’t see a dime of it returned to us. You have no authority, and if you try to do it through trade deals and incentives or tariffs, you’re just going to hurt the economy and we’ll never get all the money back, ever. As reported in The New York Times, Mexico’s president has already told you that they have zero intention  of paying for it.

What are you going to do, Donny, start a trade war — or worse, an actual war — with our southern neighbor just so you can get your wall that we don’t need? No, of course you won’t. We all know how this is going to work.

You’re going to raid Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and Obamacare to pay for it. You’ll tell us we can afford it if we cinch up our belts in other areas. You of course won’t touch the bloated and out of control Defense budget. But by God if we need a giant wall, then grandma and grandpa will have to learn to enjoy the taste of cat food and to feel all the warmth and comfort sleeping on the pavement in the greatest country of the world can bring.

The really sad part is the message we’re going to be sending Mexico.

That message is, “We’re willing to screw over the poor, elderly, and sick in this country to build a wall that symbolizes how much some of our people hate and don’t trust your country.” Honestly, why don’t we just save a few billion bucks and put up billboards that say that instead? Why not be direct? It seems like you’re being kind of a beta cuck male here, Trump, if I’m being honest. Real men have the balls to just tell someone they don’t like them because they eat taco bowls or whatever.

I’ve already got you pegged, dick. You’re not a great businessman. You’re not some genius, gifted with keen intellect. You won the genetic lottery and were born into a wealthy family. But you’ve done what they call “failing up” in showbiz your whole life. You had to essentially become a proud, loud, used car salesman. You’re a phony, Don. The worst part is that you’re an authoritarian on top of it, but your dictatorial nature isn’t convincing and you come off like Genghis Con instead of Genghis Khan.

We see through you. We all see through you.

Not a single red cent will come from Mexico to pay for this wall, and that doesn’t bother you. You’re old as fuck and will probably never live to see the full scope of this failure waiting to happen. You don’t have to worry about leaving a legacy of reviving bitter, racist animosity against the Mexican people. You don’t have to lose a single hour of sleep fretting about how we traded the security of those who have the least among us so that you could beat your chest like a xenophobic gorilla.

The truth is you’re really terrible at hiding how corrupt and self-serving you are, but it won’t make a lick of difference to your supporters. They’ll ignore all the signs, and our only hope of reversing the damage you’re sure to cause is for liberals to finally wake up and show up to a midterm election in a couple years. Our best hope for surviving the shit storm you’re going to call down on all of us is that you’re so corrupt, so stupid, and so dangerous it shakes Democrats and liberals out of their fog and they realize that they need to fight in every election, not just the big ones, or we’re going to get run over by people who think clinging to the 19th century is best path into 21st and beyond.




But before we get there, let me just reiterate: We know you’re full of shit, Donny. We know Mexico isn’t going to fund this idiotic wall of yours. We are. So, um, thanks for that, I guess.

I close now in the traditional way that Americans have been saying goodbye to their presidents since the days of Lincoln.

Suck My Balls, Asshole,

Jambo


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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About James Schlarmann 1357 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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