Carly Fiorina, Michele Bachmann’s 2016 Counterpart, Ends Her Presidential Bid

Years and years from now, when the dust settles and archaeologists unearth whatever is left of human society after the monkey robot overlords kill us all, they might uncover records of the 2016 Republican primary fight, and if they do they’ll likely find record of 2016’s Michele Bachmann-alike, Carly Fiorina, who today announced she would be ending her campaign for the GOP’s nod in this year’s presidential election.

Rest assured, though, that no one gave a shit, not really.

Why did the world collectively decide Carly wasn’t worth paying attention to? Because she proved herself a recalcitrant, unrelenting boob, that’s why. The Planned Parenthood Folly, as it will come I’m sure to be known, was her decision to go whole-hog on those idiotic “sting” videos that the Center for Medical Progress put out last year. Fiorina famously “dared” Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders and the entire nation to watch the sting videos, and in particular she described a scene that she from one of them that sounded like a botched experiment of a mad doctor in a Hammer horror film. The only problem? That scene doesn’t exist.

This is why Carly is the Bachmann of 2016. Remember when Michele very stupidly said she knew firsthand of a woman whose daughter had gotten the HPV vaccine and then was diagnosed with a mental disorder? That claim was so monumentally stupid that PolitiFact actually had to rate it, and it of course got the “False” rating it deserves. Bachmann and Fiorina both tried to present themselves as competent female Republicans in an era when females and Republicans don’t typically mix, and both did so by trying to present themselves as knowing something they most certainly did not and could not.

But it’s not like Carly wasn’t given ample chances to recant her bullshit sophistry. She just never did. So when the assholes behind the fake videos got indicted in Texas — by a Grand Jury that was actually convened by the state’s über-Republican in an attempt to bring indictments against Planned Parenthood — the writing was truly on the wall for Fiorina. She had bought into a right-wing conspiracy theory — that Planned Parenthood are baby part mongers — just like Bachmann had bought into the narrative that vaccines are bad if the government gives them, and as such was exposed to everyone outside the delusional world of the arch-conservative as a charlatan.

On her way out the door, Fiorina did her best to elevate her importance in her own mind at least. As reported by NPR:

“While I suspend my candidacy today, I will continue to travel this country and fight for those Americans who refuse to settle for the way things are and a status quo that no longer works for them,” said Fiorina in a statement. (source)

Let me translate that for you: election law states that as soon as I actually “end” my campaign I have to give up those sweet, sweet campaign contributions. So while I tour the country demagoguing people who take a “hand out” from the government, I’ll be Hoovering up donation checks for a possible future run, that’s really just a way for me to stay a perpetual candidate until the day my worthless ass expires from this earth.

Bye, Carly. Rest assured, we won’t miss you.



About James Schlarmann 1479 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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