Mississippi Jesus Turns Saul into Paul Ryan

House Budget Chairman Paul Ryan speaks at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) at National Harbor, Maryland March 15, 2013. REUTERS/Kevin Lamarque

Saul was a nasty deplorable who constantly made threats against Mississippi Jesus and his disciples. He went to Mitch McConnell and asked him for any dirt McConnell had on the disciples to take with him to the Capitol in D.C. That way if he saw any of them while he was there to get Healthcare benefits and school lunches repealed, he could use it to blackmail them into voting with his coalition.

But as Saul drove into the city for the week from his 5800-square-foot Georgian home in Janesville, Wisconsin, a sudden light shone straight down from the heavens. He immediately pulled over and put his head down on the steering wheel.

Then a voice said, “Saul, why, oh why must you be such an unfeeling, uncaring jackass?”

“Whaaaat? Da fuuuck? Who is this?” Saul demanded.

“It’s me, Jesus, you imbecile. You know, the one whose name you invoke in the name of ‘fiscal conservatism’? Now, get your head up off that steering wheel, get to D.C., and do what you are told once you get there. Got it?”

Saul’s assistants were speechless. They had heard talking, yet they had not seen anyone. It reminded them of the night they spent having wacky tobacky with Willie.



Saul lifted his head but realized he could no longer see a damn thing. So his press secretary helped him into the passenger seat and proceeded to take over the driving. Saul just sat there, amazed and confused. He had never believed in an actual god; that was just campaign rhetoric for votes. “Take me seriously, not literally,” as his friend and nemesis would say.

For three days Saul was blind, and he refused to eat or drink anything. After all, “What they’re offering people is a full stomach and an empty soul. The American people want more than that.” And so did Saul, at least for the first eight hours or so. Then he started craving a big, fat, juicy steak with lobster, and he began to cry.

“Why me? Why must I suffer such indignity? I only want a simple supper!”

Meanwhile in Bethesda there was a disciple named Bernie. The Lord came to him in a vision and told him to go to Saul and place his hands on him to restore his sight.

“Seriously? Saul? You want me to help that wacky douchenozzle?”

Mississippi Jesus said to him, “Yes, Birdie, trust me on this one. I know he’s a bastard, but I’m going to use him for good. However, he must suffer in my name. Just wait until you find out who wins the next election! Saul will pay for what he’s done…”

So Bernie went to Saul and placed his hands on him, telling him that Jesus had sent him to open his eyes. He was baptized and given food, without even a drug test.

Saul, who then insisted he better be called Paul Ryan, went into D.C. and began working with the disciples on new legislation. He found out there was a coup in place to oust him as Speaker of the House. So his faithful stayed with him and protected him, even hiding him in a basket at one point to trick the others into thinking he was still a deplorable.

Then Donald Trump was elected king, and Paul realized his punishment had only just begun. And Bernie laughed and laughed and laughed…

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About Renee Webb 279 Articles
Renee is a recovering Conservative who lives at the intersection of the Bible Belt and the Hypocrisy Highway.
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