Mitch McConnell Wonders If There Really Is A God If He Won’t Let Millions of People Lose Healthcare

*Satire*


This satire first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.


WASHINGTON, D.C. — When Donald Trump was elected president, members of his party largely assumed it would spell a quick death for Obamacare. Since it was signed into law, the Affordable Care Act has been the source of strident political rhetoric from the Republican Party. But heretofore, Congress and the White House have not been able to get on the same page, and every effort in the Senate has been blocked when moderate Republicans decided against backing any alternative proposed thus far.  This morning, a weary looking McConnell was stopped by reporters on his way into the capital building, and he answered a few questions.

“To be honest, this whole mess has really made me question a lot of things,” McConnell said.

One reporter asked him if one of those things is him questioning his own leadership decisions, starting with eight years of obstruction against President Obama, including an unprecedented political maneuver that allowed President Donald Trump to nominate Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch to the bench. McConnell laughed. He wiped a tear from his already extremely wet and large eyes.


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“Oh, no, not at at all. But thank you. I really needed that laugh this morning,” McConnell told the reporters, “However, I meant on a much more existential plane. To be perfectly frank with you all, I thought we were doing God’s work, repealing Obamacare and taking insurance away from millions of Americans. But now, I really question if there really is a God.”

Trump registered his disdain via his favorite platform, Twitter, after the vote was held.

Donald J. Trump on Twitter

3 Republicans and 48 Democrats let the American people down. As I said from the beginning, let ObamaCare implode, then deal. Watch!

When McConnell was asked about the tweet, he said he understood the president’s frustrations. Majority Leader McConnell said that it’s “understandable to be frustrated when the loss is so personal.”

“I just really wanted to take away health insurance from a few million people because the Democrat and black guy helped give it to them, is that so much to ask,” McConnell wondered aloud, “I just don’t understand how there can be a God when all those people still have access to a doctor.”


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Senator McConnell said that he couldn’t sleep all night after the vote, and he wound up going to two different places.

“An all night deli, so I could get some carrots and leafy greens,” McConnell explained, “to keep my shell firm and shiny like Granny always taught me. And to a church, to pray. I prayed so hard. I got down on my knees and asked God above why he forsook me. And you know what? He still hasn’t answered me. I might just have to issue a senate subpoena if he doesn’t contact me soon.”

A clearly crestfallen McConnell said that while his faith in “the Senate, the Republican Party, America, and God have all been shaken to their core,” he still believes that he can find his faith again.

“With tax reform,” McConnell said with a smile, “if we can take enough money away from vital services so that rich people can have three, maybe four homes? Then I’ll say I believe in God again. Otherwise, well, I don’t want to think about otherwise. It’s like Jesus always said, it’s easier to get a camel through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to get into heaven. So to me, that sounds like we need to give rich people all the help they can get.”

 

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About James Schlarmann 1452 Articles

Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.

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