A Modern, Modest Proposal – Let Red States Arm Teachers, Students, Principles, And Lunch Ladies

Upon doing some thinking, which admittedly for a person in my position is always a dangerous proposition, I’ve decided that perhaps I have been too hasty to cast off and away suggestions that we arm teachers in response to the growing epidemic of school shootings in America.

Sure, it sounds really, really, really stupid to suggest that arming people we can’t even pay enough so they don’t have to buy our kids’ school supplies with guns we’ll magically have money for all of a sudden instead of, oh, I don’t know, literally any other fucking suggestion. And yes, it seems particularly stupid to suggest that more armed people will make schools immune to shootings when Marjory Stoneman Douglas had armed guards, and it still did nothing to prevent a deranged lunatic hellbent on a suicide/mass murder event from doing what he wanted to do with that AR-15 on Valentine’s Day. Oh, and for sure it seems stupid to arm teachers when teachers aren’t cops and cops aren’t teachers and it makes zero sense to mingle the job definitions of either.

But then again…why not let Federalism and a heaping helping of Darwinism solve a few problems this country has had pretty much from its inception?

I think I’ve figured out a good compromise on the whole “arm the teachers thing.” Gun cuddlers want it, those of us with a couple brain cells left don’t. This country was built on compromise though, so let’s try this one out, shall we?

Red states can do an experiment for the rest of the country and we will give them permission to arm their teachers. The rest of us in our libtarded enclaves will merely observe. Arm the teachers. Arm the faculty, including the janitorial staff. Arm the cafeteria workers. If the lunch lady isn’t making red state kids stare down the barrel of a Beretta while she heaps ladles of gravy onto their mashed potatoes, is she really doing her job? Answer that question, red states, arm literally everybody. Hell, arm the kids if you want.

I Absolutely Adore How Terrified Of Teenagers The Gun-Cuddlers Are

Maybe it’s time to let Charles Darwin finish William Tecumseh Sherman’s job for him once and for all. Maybe Sherman’s March can just be picked up a century and a half or so later. I mean, sure, more and more kids in red states will die, and at first that makes me really sad. The idea of any kids dying in school is horrific, we all know that…but well, do we know that, all of us I mean?

After all, is it not, essentially, the argument that the NRA and pro-gun people make that children dying in gunfire at school is a tolerable price to pay for freedom? That’s why they constantly conflate gun violence with car accident deaths, right? They want us to see the “big picture” and to them the big picture means watering the tree of liberty with the blood of the innocents, not so much revolutionaries.

As I think about it though, maybe the country needs to be purged of a sizable chuck of a generation of red state voters. Maybe that’s how we finally get comprehensive reforms on a number of issues from immigration to guns to healthcare. Just let them kill off their children at OK Corral Middle Schools, all across the south. Why should we libtards care, anyway? After all, we’re just baby murderers, every one of us, so why not see AR-15s and Glocks in the classroom as nothing more than super late-term abortions, fam?

Perhaps the great sinister liberal agenda will finally take root after the people who think that adding jet fuel to your fire extinguisher will quell the flames. Maybe we’ll finally get that more perfect union we want went a good portion of the next generation of believers in Trickle Down are wiped out by accidental shootings and increased mass shootings after deranged people figure out most schools have their own firearm caches they can raid during an assault. Probably not, and likely it’ll just be more preventable tragedy in the name of “freedom,” but what can you do?

I mean, we can’t outbreed them. They have orthodox Catholics and Mormons on their side. Those people pop out, at minimum, sixteen to eighteen babies. No wonder the South remains so….confederate all these years later. Maybe we need to just let true “natural law” do its thing.

Do I want my kid shot? No. Do I want any kids shot? No. But if we’re going to be told that shot kids is the price of freedom, the people to pay that bill should be the ones loading up at the ammo buffet.

Maybe it’s time for those of us who are only trying to help keep their kids from being murdered to give up. After all, the definition of insanity is doing the same over and over and expecting different results, or so the axiom goes, yes? So by that logic, we liberals really are being insane, by expecting a bunch of people who believe that public schools are institutions of libtardia will one day, eventually, see the folly of believing that simply adding more guns to a situation that has too many guns in it will ever do anything but cause more bloodshed. Let’s just pull up our tent stakes, now, and let them arm the teachers…as long as it’s the teachers in their states, and their states only.

Think about it.

Blaming Mental Illness For Mass Shootings Is As Dumb As Electing A D-List Reality TV Star To The White House

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About James Schlarmann 1505 Articles
James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.
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