GOLD SHORES, CALIFORNIA — The country’s best mathematicians announced that after completing several complicated calculations using a number of different algorithms that the number 4,000 is still larger than the number 4. The National Academy of Math and Other Stuff made the announcement at a press conference held inside their institution’s California headquarters.
“We just wanted to conduct a few experiments to make sure that 4,000 is still indeed greater than 4,” Dr. Benson H. Dew told reporters during the press conference.
Dr. Dew said that what prompted the discussion within the academy had been “all the money that Republicans just spent investigating something that led to four Americans being killed” while “they haven’t seemed too interested in being just as exhaustive about investigating the Iraq War and the lies told to sell it to the American public.”
“It made us think that maybe someone played on a trick on us,” Dew said, “and changed the laws of math to make 4 bigger than 4,000 or something.” But after he and several of the academy’s most distinguished mathematical minds crunched the numbers, they kept coming back to the same answer — 4 is still smaller than 4,000.
The academy mathematicians made sure to use both “Republican” math — the set of mathematical rules that says you can cut a deficit by only cutting taxes and not reducing spending like in Kansas — and regular math. Using Republican Math, they did in fact see “several interesting results,” according to Dr. Dew, that would indicate perhaps 4 was more than 4,000. However, once they switched to using traditional math rules, their calculations would only show that 4,000 was the larger number.
“Rough estimates of American casualties from the Iraq War are roughly 4,000,” Dr. Dew said while pointing to a slide of the number 4,000 over a map of Iraq, “and while we spent a few million dollars investigating 9/11, there really has not been the kind of congressional inquiry into the causes of the Iraq War like there has been over Benghazi. We spent $7 million on Trey Gowdy’s Benghazi committee, meaning for each American who died, Gowdy spent roughly $1.75 million per death to essentially confirm what the first few months of investigation gave us — we probably shouldn’t have been there, there were bad decisions about security and funding made before the attacks, but no one intentionally left four Americans to die.”
Dew said that conversely, the Americans who died serving in Iraq haven’t nearly as many resources expended trying to figure out just what was true and what wasn’t regarding the stated reasons for the Iraq War.
“If we spent the same ratio of per casualty dollars on investigating the Iraq War as we did Benghazi,” Dr. Dew stated, “we’d spend $700,000,00 investigating the Iraq war. Our entire Federal budget is only about 300 million more dollars than that. So now you can all see what we thought maybe the universe had gone mad and suddenly 4 was a bigger number than 4,000, right?”
Reached for comment in an undisclosed bunker, Dick Cheney said, “I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over all this gold coinage I’m swimming in. Call me when I’m not in my money bin, will you?”