CLEVELAND, OHIO –When the Republican National Committee convened this week to erect its 2016 party platform, it used old, outdated, and rotted wood for the planks, according to a new report released today.
“We analyzed the planks used to build the RNC’s new platform,” Jeffry Michaels of the U.S. Political And Wood Analysis think tank told reporters this morning, “and we’ve found that the foundation of the platform is basically just rotted, old, outdated bits of scrap from bygone eras.”
Michaels says that many of the planks in the platform are “remnants of a fictitious time that only exists in the fever dreams of über-patriots.”
“The thing is, we haven’t seen wood like this in eons, an epoch for some of it,” Michaels said, “I mean, some of what they’re using is stuff people used in the 19th century. You know what else happened in the 19th century? Slavery. People dying at the age of 30 regularly. Hardly any public education.”
The age of the materials used to build the platform make it “dangerous and unappealing to anyone used to 21st century living conditions,” Michaels told reporters.
“How on Earth they thought a modern day political platform could be stood up using such antiquated techniques and materials is quite a mystery to me,” Michaels said, “and frankly all they’ve done is just made their old platform that hardly anyone wanted to stand on dangerous and unappealing to anyone used to 21st century living conditions. Literally if you were born after 1970, you’re probably going to look at this platform and laugh, if you’re not crying from how offensively terribly constructed it really is.”
Reached for comment, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus told the media that he won’t deny the materials his party used to build its new platform are “traditional.” He said that “only libtarded libtards would want something constructed out of new materials, using modern techniques and knowledge to ensure it’s the best it possibly can be.” Priebus said
Michaels suggested that Priebus and the RNC might find some use for their platform, even if it’s not to attract new voters to keep their party alive and thriving.
“Maybe they can just use it like a hangman’s platform and they can put their party out of its misery,” Michaels said, “you may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m something something only one.”