No, Glenn Beck, God Didn’t Kill Scalia to Help Cruz, He Killed Scalia to Help Humanity

Some people’s views and politics are so toxic to the idea of liberty and freedom they do the world a favor when they exit it. Fred Phelps comes to mind, and so does Jerry Falwell. When Pat Robertson kicks the bucket, I’ll probably pop some bubbly. Justice Antonin Scalia was the Supreme Court Justice version of Phelps, Falwell, and Robertson — a religious idealogue masquerading as someone with “deep thoughts” on jurisprudence.

Glenn Beck, head of his state’s local MENSA chapter I’m sure, recently intimated on his show that God took Scalia from us in order to help the aspiratoin of Ted Cruz. No, really, that’s what he said.

Speaking as God, Beck said this on his radio program:

“I just woke the American people up. I took them out of the game show moment and woke enough of them up to say, look at how close your liberty is to being lost. You now have lost your liberty. You replace one guy, and you now have 5-4 decisions in the other direction. Just with this one guy, you’ve lost your liberty — so you’d better elect somebody that’s going to put somebody on (the Supreme Court) because for the next 30 years, if you don’t, the Constitution as you know it… the Constitution is hanging by a thread. That thread has just been cut, and the only way that we survive now is if we have a true constitutionalist.”  (source)

Indulge me, please, for just one moment: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Shut the fuck up, Glenn Beck. I mean, I don’t even believe God exists, but if you think the God in the Bible I read is rooting for Ted Cruz, I think you’re missing the second half of your Bible. Sure, in an Old Testament way, Fundie Cruz seems like the model, pluperfect Christian. But by New Testament standards, he’s a walking, talking pharisee and Jesus would lovingly bitch slap him for his points of view.

Tell me, Glenn Beck, how does Ted Cruz’s tantrum over Obamacare — that got the federal government shutdown for a few days — Christian? That act, flawed as it is, gives health care access to poor people, and sick people who would be turned away for having preexisting conditions. Do you think the guy who allegedly healed the blind and cured the sick without so much as a copay would side with Cruz? You’re an idiot, Glenn Beck, and you don’t know Jesus that well either.


Of course no God killed Scalia. The old bigot just died, as humans are wont to do. But if God had taken Scalia, I think he probably would have done it for altruistic reasons. Scalia was the guy who compared homosexuality laws to murder laws, inferring that homosexuals should be viewed as murderers. Do you really think God would think someone who was dumb enough to compare a dude liked other dudes to a dude who likes killing other dudes was worth keeping around in 2016?

Look, I know I’ve been ridiculously harsh on Scalia and his legacy since his death was announced, but well, who cares? Justice Scalia was the guy who thought that crazy shit like “evidence” and “proof of innocence” shouldn’t necessarily preclude a state from giving you the death penalty, as long as they had gone through with a fair trial first. Nobody in their right mind thinks Scalia was anything but a backward relic of a fool, and a man who was far more concerned with keeping rich, white, Christian conservatives in power than in helping the common person is not someone God, or anyone else, would think is that vital to be kept around.

And here’s the real kicker, Glenn Beck — this will all play out to the Democrats’ advantage, like it does every time Republicans think they’re acting in defense of the Constitution when they’re really just being whiny, petulant children. Average Americans are going to look at the Constitution, notice there’s no “except in an election year” clause for choosing SCOTUS appointments, and they’ll conclude Republicans are being dicks again. If the issue of the appointment hasn’t been resolved by November, Republican blood will flow from the ballot boxes, so no, Glenn Beck, God wasn’t remotely helping Cruz by killing Scalia.

He was helping the rest of humanity by showing what a bad idea it would be to have Cruz pick Scalia’s replacement. Or you know, he wasn’t doing anything because God isn’t real, but like, whatever man.

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About James Schlarmann 1444 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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