None of Us Actually Believe Jared Kushner Right?

A couple of weeks ago, when Donald “Chronic Jizz Face” Trump Jr. released his email conversation with a Russian lawyer back in June of 2016, the details were quite astonishing. I don’t mean that they were surprising. I just mean they were astonishing because even after it was clear that Dumb Donny II went into a meeting looking for dirt that Russia had collected on Hillary Clinton, in other words, wanting to…oh, what’s the word?

Now I remember!

Collude. Trump Jr. was wanting to collude with Russia, and after a year of denying it, he was caught red handed, by his own admission. Amazingly, not that many Republicans came out and called that email chain what it is — the smoking gun. But even if it’s not the piece of evidence that will end the Trump presidency, there’s one guy who’s probably really pissed the email got out in the first place, with or without the threat of impending publication in The York Times. That (boyish) man’s name is Jared Kushner.


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Trump Jr.’s email also revealed that Paul Manafort and Kushner were in the very same meeting. The real blow came when it was revealed that Kushner did not mention the meeting — nor any others with any foreign countries — on his request for security clearance. If you or I were to do something like that, we’d lose our clearance immediately, and maybe even be facing criminal charges. But hey, no biggie, right?

Well, it must be some kinda biggie, because Kushner, Manafort, and Dipshit McFuckface Jr. were called on to speak to congressional investigators about the meeting and any other contacts they’ve had. Jared was the first up, and he spoke to the Senate Intelligence Committee investigators this morning. He’ll speak to the House Intelligence Committee tomorrow.

After his meeting this morning, which was not public, Kushner made a statement in front of the White House. In case you missed it, here’s the full speech here, provided by the evil, socialist Public Broadcasting System (PBS), below.

Jared Kushner speaks after Senate Intelligence meeting

White House Senior Advisor Jared Kushner speaks to reporters after meeting with the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence.

The line that’s going to go down in infamy is clearly going to be the, “I did not collude with Russia,” line. When it came out of his mouth, I laughed pretty hard. Because you could tell he was told just before going out there to really sell that line; at least that’s how it came off. Because it certainly didn’t come off as a genuine, honest statement. In fact, the way he had to slip in the “nor do I know of anyone else in the campaign who did so” bit. That’s some Grade-A slippery legalese jargon right there.

“I didn’t know of” gives him the out, just in case it can be proven that either Manafort or Overbite Jr. did in fact collude with Russia, to say he was innocent. You see, he didn’t know of anyone who colluded. So could someone have colluded with Russa? Sure, according to Kushner, but he doesn’t know who they are, so clearly we can trust him.




I thought this tweet from The New York Times that was inspired by a commenter of theirs did a pretty good job of summing up the statement quite nicely.

The New York Times on Twitter

One NYT reader responds to Jared Kushner’s remarks https://t.co/alDFkmSzxp

That commenter hit the nail right on the head. The common thread between all those statements is that they were uttered about presidential scandals, sure. But another common thread is that they’re all completely incorrect and essentially subjective denials of wrongdoing. Except, in Kushner’s case he’s making this kind of statement after the evidence of his attempted collusion was already published.

Let’s just say we believe Jared, that he didn’t read the email too closely, and that he really wanted out of the meeting once it started. Firstly, if he didn’t read the email, Kushner’s is a goddamned rube and should not be the one trying to broker peace between Palestine and Israel. What a joke. Attention to details like, you know, if the information you’re trying to obtain is from a hostile foreign power is kind of important if you’re going to play Big Boy Negotiator. Secondly, he’s full of shit, full stop. The subject line of the email made it abundantly clear what the meeting offer was about, and Kushner still showed up to it.

The thing is, Kushner might have technically been telling the truth, provided that there aren’t any other meetings with Russians he neglected to put on his clearance form. I mean, sure, we could reasonably assume that “once a liar, always a liar” with Kushner, and just presume that he had other meetings, but I like presumed innocence, so let’s just pretend this one meeting is the only one he attended. All he’d be guilty of is attempted collusion…conspiracy…not actual collusion, since apparently the woman didn’t have dirt good enough to use on Hillary.


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Honestly, though, how can anyone believe Jared Kushner at this point, no matter what he says. He left off scores of contacts he had with people from his security clearance. And then, after we’ve seen everything in the Don Jr. emails, we’re supposed to believe that he didn’t collude with Russia, basically on a technicality? Fuck that.

The bottom line is this: If that Russian lawyer had the goods on Hillary, it’s clear now that Kushner, Trump’s idiot son, and Manafort would have gleefully snapped it up. They wanted to collude, they just didn’t think there was anything worth colluding over, at least that’s the story they’re telling now. Who the hell knows what they’ll say in a couple weeks, when more drip, drip, dripping has happened.

And I don’t mean the kind of drip, drip, dripping Comrade Pee Pee Party enjoys.

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About James Schlarmann 1507 Articles
James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.
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