Ohio Republican Wants to Create Uterine Registry

*satire*

COLUMBUS, OHIO — State Representative Tom Thompaulsen (R-OH) held a press conference on Tuesday in which he told the people of Ohio that he is going to propose a new set of regulations that would require all women in the state to register their uterus as “a potentially unsafe space for future babies.”

Republican lawmakers in the state have already made national headlines by drafting legislation that would force women who have abortions or miscarriages to purchase burial or cremation services for the fetus in question. But Thompaulsen says that legislation “is a hell of a start, but not quite all the way there” for his tastes. “Some like to blindly assume that a woman’s womb is the best place for a future baby,” Thompaulsen told reporters, “but what if the womb is attached to a woman who has the temerity to assume she has the same reproductive autonomy a man does,” he asked rhetorically.

“Then her womb becomes a threat to any and all future babies that might find themselves there one day, and that is why we simply must register every womb,” Rep. Thompaulsen said. “It’s not enough to have women make cremation or burial arrangements for miscarriages,” he insisted, we need to really, really drive home the idea that from a societal standpoint, women best serve us all by becoming nothing much more than cows, birthing and nursing calves, but you know, human calves.”


When Thompaulsen was asked if he’d support a national gun registry, since gun violence poses a threat to American citizens, and it would help police find the owners of firearms used in crimes to either exonerate or prosecute them, he responded with a laugh and said, “Every good, clean, red-blooded, ammo-hoarding patriot knows that gun registries are un-American because no one has the right to know whether their neighbor is stockpiling arms as if the world is ending tomorrow, but registering each and every uterus in the state is not only American, it’s eminently American because it marginalizes and disenfranchises people based on things they have no control over, like whether they have female reproductive capabilities or not.”

What about women who are sterile, and can’t bear children, he was asked, would they have to register their uterus? With a definitive shake of his head, Thompaulsen told reporters, “So-called sterile women would still need to register their private parts, yes.” He said that since “modern medicine could one day repair their bodies in such a way as to make them a threat to unborn children again.” Thompaulsen said he is hoping to get his uterine registry amendment attached to the initial bill that is calling for burial and cremation of aborted or miscarried fetuses, but that if he doesn’t get it attached, he’ll keep fighting “the good fight to strip women of the same sexual autonomy men have, for as long as [he lives].”


Republished from The Political Garbage Chute.

 

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About James Schlarmann 1312 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
  • anja

    Now some anti- women loon will really attempt this kind of abuse.

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