OJ Simpson Releases Knife Ahead of Bombshell NYT Story on Murders of Ron and Nicole


This satirical news story first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.


LOVELOCK, NEVADA — From within the walls of Lovelock State Prison in Nevada, former NFL icon OJ Simpson has decided to release possession of a knife ahead of an anticipated bombshell report in The New York Times on the murders of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson.

“I just wanted everyone to see how transparent I’m being,” Simpson said, “and I don’t think anyone has ever been as transparent about the murders of those two people as I have been. I think if you ask anyone, but specifically about three or four people who are related to me and have a vested interest in at least appearing to support me, they’d tell you the same.”


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According to several sources close to the situation with knowledge of the details, Simpson found out late last week about a story that the Times was getting ready to publish on the 1994 murders of Nicole Brown Simpson, OJ’s estranged ex-wife, and her friend and waiter Ron Goldman. The pair’s bloodied and mutilated bodies were found just outside Nicole’s residence, the victims of a knife attack that left them horrifically mangled.

After a relatively short investigation, and an infamous low speed car chase, Simpson was arrested for the murders. In the subsequent trial, OJ’s all-star team of attorneys was able to exploit key missteps of the Los Angeles Police Department and a pivotal moment in the trial when OJ was asked to try on a glove the murderer wore. The glove did not famously fit, and ultimately the jury chose to acquit.




One of the lasting mysteries of the trial has been the lack of the murder weapon. Some have speculated that Simpson or his friend Al “AC” Cowlings were responsible for ditching the knife. Reportedly, The New York Times — a paper already in the news for its bombshell report of a meeting between President Donald Trump’s oldest son and a Russian lawyer, blowing the lid off yearlong claims that there was no collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia — had possibly located someone who knew where the murder weapon was being kept.


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In a prepared statement through his current legal representation, OJ Simpson said he’d decided all on his own, without any outside pressure or prompting, to release the knife. The statement says, however, that in no way should anyone take it as a sign of admission of guilt, nor that the knife is the actual murder weapon. Instead, Simpson says he’s “just being extremely transparent to the point of admirable and honorable conduct.”

“This knife is just a knife,” Simpson’s statement reads, “and that’s that. But hey, if you feel like suddenly believing I’m an upstanding guy and not a violent scumbag who got away with a vicious, brutal murder, I won’t complain.”

This is a developing story.

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About James Schlarmann 1446 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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